Why are we so keen to go abroad?

I’VE just heard about the rigmarole involved in going on holiday abroad in the age of COVID.

A friend of Mrs Deano had planned to take her family to Portugal this year.

That would have involved multiple tests, huge costs for said tests, queuing, faffing, the whole nine yards.

They worked out it would have cost them an extra £ 600 on top of fights, hotels, meals and drinks.

Portugal being put on the amber list has at least saved them that as they can now rebook for a time when all this bollocks is over.

But why were they even considering it?

I mean, paying a premium for PORTUGAL?

I’ve been. It involves sitting on a plane for two- and- a- half hours with a load of golf c** ts, getting twatted round the head at baggage reclaim by the golf c** ts’ big bags of golf sticks, sitting on a hotel terrace with all the charm of Warrington bus station, then flying home with another bunch of golf c** ts.

But it’s not just Portugal.

“Abroad” is the most overrated pile of shite. And it’s getting worse.

A few years back we went to New York. A fantastic, lively, surprisingly friendly and agreeable city.

Or it was.

Go to New York now and you’re likely to get your teeth stolen, your head shot off and your corpse bum- buggered by a trembling queue of meth- heads.

Before COVID hit, we were due to spend two weeks in India.

I was slightly dubious, thanks to stories of the locals shitting wherever they fancied.

And the fact that every flat surface in India carries enough germs to wipe out a small parish.

But I put these qualms aside thanks to the vague promise of seeing a tiger in the wild.

Look at India now.

They’re chucking dead bodies in the rivers, where they are washed ashore to be eaten by wild dogs.

Never have I been so happy for a holiday to be cancelled.

The simple fact is that abroad is a ghastly place.

And a simpler fact is that, living in paradise on earth, the British Isles, we’ve no NEED to go abroad.

We live in the midst of beauty, the wildlife won’t eat you and, outside the cities, you’re quite unlikely to be shot or chopped up.

And if the tourist board want that line for their posters, they can have it for free.