HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

THE new Superman comic causes a stir by showing the caped hero as a bloke- kissing bi- sexual.

The publication is created by DC Comics. Or, as they shall henceforth be known, AC/ DC Comics.

Next week: Spider- man flicks his wrist and covers the Green Goblin with something sticky.

And it’s not a web.

PRINCE William has a public swipe at billionaires developing space rockets when they could be spending their cash on saving planet Earth.

Oh well, at least SOME Royals still appreciate Sir Richard Branson.

Prince Andrew, for example, remains keen to be involved in blasting up a Virgin.

WEDNESDAY

SPEAKING of space adventures, Star Trek actor William Shatner becomes the first 90- year- old to enter orbit in a rocket.

Shatner wept with emotion when he disembarked the craft, probably when he realised he could have used his OAP travelcard if he’d waited for the next one.

He’d been worried about soiling himself on the journey. Typical Captain Kirk, always thinking about his log.

FRIDAY THURSDAY

THE rugby union star Ugo Monye pulls out of Strictly Come

Dancing after putting his back out.

To be fair, spending all that time dancing with a busty beauty like Oti Mabuse must be hard on the body.

We’ve got repetitive strain injury from just watching her.

DEPARTMENT store John Lewis launches a controversial new advert which shows a young boy dressed in a frock, heels and make- up.

Our granny always used to say the good thing about John Lewis was that if you don’t like something, you can always take it back.

Or, in this young lad’s case, if you don’t like something, you can always TUCK it back.

SATURDAY

THE Rolling Stones say they’ve stopped performing their classic hit Brown Sugar, which is about a slave owner having his wicked way with his captured African women.

And if you think that’s offensive and upsetting, you should hear what the British Dental Association have to say about sugar.

Besides, with a combined age of 476 years, it’s probably time for the band to start singing about making love to women in their own age bracket.

Although they might struggle to find something to rhyme with “dried- up fish paste sandwich”.