Trendy Church is just taking the St Mike’s

OCCASIONALLY I get sent news snippets along with the message: “Any good for your weekly column?”

One came last week and my first reaction was “It’s just a pisstake.”

The first line read: “A Victorian church called St Michael’s has changed its name to ‘ St Mike’s’ in a bid to be more trendy and attract younger people.”

I guessed it was from a satirical site like NewsThump.

But no.

The Church of England are WAY ahead of satirists.

They may have given up saving souls and leading us on the path of righteousness but they’re going flat out making themselves look as ridiculous as humanly possible.

Explaining the reason behind the re- brand, the vicar of St Mike’s, the Reverend Sarah Yetman, said she wants the 148- year- old church to be “attractive and engaging for younger generations”.

She added: “We’re bringing new life into the old building and planting a new congregation into the church.

“Our vision at St Mike’s is that the church can be a beacon of light and hope within the community. We aim to reach more young people and that we can see them come to know Jesus in their own way.”

Now, far be it for me to cast the first stone, but I wonder what Jesus would do?

I think he would say: “Are you taking the f** king piss?!”

Damnation

I’m not a regular churchgoer, but if I do go, I want inspiration and a slightly- scary vicar belting out hellfire and damnation. I want proper hymns and prayers with plenty of “thees” and “thous”.

A proper chilly church with stone floors and pews that numb the arse in three seconds flat.

After all, you are supposed to be reflecting on a man who was nailed to a lump of wood to save us from damnation. So an hour’s slight discomfort isn’t too much to ask.

But no, the powers that be have decided they need to “attract the young people”.

You’d have thought that with all the trouble churches have got into with young people over the years, that’s the last part of society they should be reaching out to.

And there is something a bit odd, a bit sinister, about young people who are “too churchy”.

Being young is all about doing stuff you need to repent for in later life, once the Pearly Gates start getting close.

They’ve even opened a coff ee shop. Well, there are hardly any coffee shops about these days, are there?

As usual, this nonsense is all warmly welcomed from Head Office, and I don’t mean “Him”.

Bishop of Southampton, the Rt Rev Debbie Sellin, said: “It’s amazing what has been achieved at St Mike’s recently, so it was an honour to join with the team here and celebrate the reopening of this wonderful church.

“They have created a vibrant community hub where people can come to explore their faith and find a sense of belonging.”

“Vibrant community hub”? And this is from a f** king BISHOP!

Churches are becoming like the Why Don’t You? studio rather than a place for reflection and devotion.

The church used to promise eternal life. Now they give you a cup of FairTrade coffee and some twat on the bongo drums.