WHAT DO YOU think of
COPING WITH THE HEATWAVE
HAVING always had a preference for living near the coast, I don’t have even the slightest problem with this so- called heatwave.
If it does a get little too hot, I normally clamber up the stairs of a neighbouring apartment block to sit on the roof and make full use of the soft, cooling sea breeze.
It’s the perfect place to open up a small bottle of chilled rosé wine, and perhaps tuck into a pork pie, while carefully aiming my binoculars on the near- naked, finely shaved teenage sunbathers below.
Mike Clamp, Southampton
THERE is no such thing as a “heatwave”. It’s just f*** ing hot. And probably only for a day or two.
Come next week the Labour Party, pissed off that they’re not in the news at the moment, will be calling for free fur coats for all deprived babies and a tanker full of homo water for every household.
The Greens will claim we’re all burning to death. The Tories won’t know because they’re all in Aspen. The Lib Dems will say it’s proof we’re all pansexual. Me? I’ll just have a wank in the Aldi car park.
Gerard Plimp, Gateshead
I WAS born and bred in the United States of America before work saw me moving country to the glorious United Kingdom.
And let me tell you what we proud Americans do when the sun puts his goddam hat on. We shoot, boy. And we shoot real good. Right now, I’m sweating my ass off in the trunk of my stationwagon aiming my hidden rifle at some of those scruffy halfwits gluing themselves to shit. My aim ain’t steady, but my will is strong. Buck Steadfast, Lincoln
WHY doesn’t everyone just take their clothes off? To be as one again with what we were at the very moment of our births?
Only yesterday, I was enjoying the refreshing draft from my indoor air conditioner wafting and ruffling my carefully manicured, and dyed, 1970s’ pubic bush.
This was something I used to enjoy outdoors, too, but it turns out the police and the courts – who are both nudity Nazis – don’t like us doing it near kiddies’ playgrounds. Twats.
SORRY, but I don’t live in London, so I know absolutely nothing about this heatwave other than what the news keeps telling me over and over again.
It’s quite nice up here in the North East, balmy, even, but it’s not the end of life itself as appears to be the case with oddballs who present on the BBC.
I can tell you something positive, too. My tomatoes are coming on just fine in my little plastic greenhouse, as are the chillies. But f*** them – cos the dope plants are massive!