HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN
MONDAY
OLYMPICS legend Sir Mo Farah reveals he was smuggled into the UK illegally – and his real name is Hussein Abdi Kahin.
The Home Office says it has NO plans to prosecute him for the immigration offence.
However, Trading Standards say they’ll do him for false advertising if he continues to make that “M” sign when he wins a race.
COASTGUARDS and RNLI crews race to the English Channel after reports of migrants’ children flinging themselves off a sinking ship.
Thankfully, this was nothing to do with people smugglers. Just Rishi and Sajid leaping off the HMS Boris. Head for the lifeboats… billionaires and non- doms first!
WEDNESDAY
PENNY Mordaunt emerges as the unlikely favourite to win the Conservative Leadership election – after a surge of support among grass root Tories.
The last time Mordaunt caused any kind of swelling in the Home Counties was when she appeared on telly in a wet swimming cossie.
Still, she seems like a game girl. She once gave a speech on poultry welfare just so she could say the word “cock” in Parliament – so we can only assume her first action as Prime Minister will be to boast about stroking the Downing Street pussy.
EX- President Donald Trump pays a moving and poignant tribute to his first wife, Ivana, after she dies falling down a flight of stairs.
Bet he wishes the current Mrs Trump would go down so quickly.
To be honest, we were just surprised that his heartfelt tribute wasn’t followed by a social media post saying: “I TOLD YOU GUYS STAIRS WERE DANGEROUS BUT NOBODY LISTENED – GUESS I WAS RIGHT AGAIN!!”
FRIDAY TUESDAY THURSDAY
PLANS are revealed for a new movie – about Prince Andrew’s disastrous Newsnight interview in which he defended his visits to Nonce Island, and claimed he can’t sweat!
The film’s title is yet to be revealed but the studio is thinking of re- working one of the classics. The shortlist is said to include: It’s A Wonderful Lie, Vest Dry Story, Raider of the Kids’ Park, Aging Bull, The Short Wank Redemption, or simply Gulp, Fiction.
SATURDAY
SEXY actress Florence Pugh has CONDEMNED pervy men who made “vulgar” comments after she wore a sheer dress with no bra. We’re on your side, Florence – and we hope you’ll enjoy our tribute to your beauty, which is in the form of a poem based on the opening line of Trumpton. Pugh, Phew! Horny we grew. Grasp it, dribble, grunt.