‘I thought I was going to be a millionaire ...now I’m broke!’
LITTLE Tim Parker thought he was onto a dead cert when he decided to cash in on his similarity to Tory leadership contender Tom Tughendhat by joining the lucrative sex dwarf lookalike industry.
He quit his £ 100,000- a- year job as an actuary and spent the last two weeks in talks with agents to kickstart his career.
But the wee man misjudged the political climate and faces ruin after his lookalike crashed out of the race to be the next PM in the third round of voting.
Madness
Speaking from his home in Guildford, Surrey, Tim, who even went as far as renaming himself Tim Tugonthat by deed poll, wept as he said: “I don’t know what happened.
“It must have been a moment of madness but I became absolutely convinced beyond all reason that Tom Tughendhat would win the leadership race.
“In my mind it was a dead cert with no doubt. I really thought he would be the next Prime Minister.
“I knew a bit about the sex dwarf trade from some of my friends and I know how lucrative it can me.
“My mate is a Boris Johnson sex dwarf and he’s made nearly a million quid since Brexit.
“And because I look so much like Tom Tughendhat I thought I could too.
“Even a Theresa May sex dwarf I know did very nicely when she was in power.
“So on the spur of the moment I quit my job and booked some meetings with agents.
“They weren’t that keen because they didn’t think Tom would win but in my head, it was absolutely going to happen.
“I had an audition which went well. I managed to get a hard on in front of the cameras and I got to feel a lady’s busters but no one called.
“Then on Tuesday I heard Tom had lost
the race and my world fell apart. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve got a £ 300,000 mortgage to pay. How am I going to manage that now?
“I’m ruined. I thought my life would be rolling in cash and shagging models left right and centre.
“Now I have no income, I’m going to be homeless.
“I can’t go back to my old job and nobody will take me seriously as an actuary now this has happened.
“My only hope is that once again the Conservatives implode and have a new leadership battle which Tom wins.
“So, I might be alright by Christmas.”