Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer… SEPTIC MEG

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

YOU enjoyed the heatwave last week mostly as it encouraged lithe teens to disrobe to an almost scandalously- rude level.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

COCKLES and mussels may very well be “alive, alive- oh,” but that doesn’t mean you aren’t prepared to kill anyone who sings it.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

YOU’VE noticed recently that seagulls are increasingly behaving like winged emissaries of the Devil himself.

AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

YOU’RE glad you don’t work for 24- hour TV news, having to repeat the same thing about hot weather and shit over and over again, on the hour, every hour.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

SUDDENLY having a dishwasher in your kitchen makes up for many of life’s bitter disappointments.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

YOU’RE considering painting freshly- slaughtered lamb’s blood around the front door of that noisy neighbour who had a party in their garden every night last week.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

QUITE a few of your days last week were spent laughing out loud as you imagined what it must be like to be a sewage worker in this weather.

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

IT’S entirely likely you will never want to watch women’s football again.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

RECEIVING a new mobile phone upgrade only for it to immediately lock itself until the fully- charged long- lasting battery runs out isn’t pissing you off at all. No sirree.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

YOU might as well unpack the winter wardrobe now. The summer is clearly over.

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

YOU’RE wondering where on the “taking the absolute piss” scale lie gambling companies constantly encouraging people to gamble “safely”.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

YOUR wife of 11 years still doesn’t know that, in the loft, you have an old copy of FHM featuring a sticky spread of snaps of S Club 7’ s Rachel Stevens in her underwear.