WHAT DO YOU think of
AS TENSIONS RISE OVER TAIWAN, HOW ARE YOU PREPPING FOR WW3?
HAVE you ever seen so- called kids’ film, Small Soldiers? It’s not what most people think.
It’s actually a military blueprint for what to do when aliens invade and when I say “aliens” I mean the Gorgons which means I of course
* really* mean the Chinese army. I will fight them on the beaches. I will fight them at the chippy. I will fight them in the casino. And I will fight them at mahjongg. Come on, you finger- spinning f** kers! Let’s have it!
Percy “Chip Hazard” Gummidge, Ashby De La Zouch
AT times of great peril it’s important to keep a clear head, don’t make any rash decisions, or indeed take any action without first asking yourself: What would Jeremy Corbyn do?
On current form, the Greatest Prime Minister We Never Had would immediately ask the Chinese Communist Party which they’d like to have most – England, Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland?
Then he would fire all our military, prise open the Bank of England vaults to see if Gordon
Brown really did sell off all our gold, and then prepare his rectum for boarding. So all in all, maybe not, then. Chris Lotion, Salcombe
I’VE already started work on my air raid shelter and without wanting to blow my own trumpet, it’s coming along quite nicely.
I’ve got plenty of fresh water, loads of diesel to power a generator or two, stacks of tinned food, and handy stuff like secateurs, fishing waders and novelty sponges from the Aldi third aisle.
Next on my list to buy is a foot spa, a new dressing gown, cough medicine, Liquorice Imps, some decent new wank mags, a nuke, and an invisible force field. Oh, and a tin opener. Larry “Survivor” Bullock, Southend
IT’S that time of year again when the entire patriarchy across the world remove their willies from their collective trousers and start to wave them at each other.
This is what happens when men are allowed to rule the world, which, after watching the Lionesses conquer Europe last week, is a time in our lives that is surely over.
Love will prevail. I will be on the beach at sunrise everyday surrounded by my peace crystals, releasing doves and softly humming “kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya” as the missiles fall. Zip Chipotle, Brighton THE last time I got into a fight with the Chinese it didn’t end quite as well as I had hoped.
For starters, there was just me against about seven of them, including the potato peeling nan in the back and, rather unsportsmanlike, they all had fish slices and chip scoops and cauldrons of boiling hot fat.
They took offence because they thought I was deliberately mispronouncing my “ls” as “rs” like what that Bernard Manning used to do on the telly. But honestly, I was just dead pissed.