HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

ROYAL officials ask mourners to stop leaving marmalade as a tribute.

It’s not so much that the thick, slimy, bitter orange gloop attracts rats.

It’s more that it reminds the remaining Royals of BBC toady Nicholas Witchell.

TUESDAY

THE Great British Bake Off returns to our screens to give a much- needed tonic after so much grief.

The classic fruitcake, the vintage tart, the pudding…. in fact, we understand ALL of the Royals enjoyed it.

WEDNESDAY

AN anti- Royal protestor is nicked for holding up a BLANK piece of paper. Wow, that’s harsh. Imagine what the cops will do if they find Prince Edward’s work diary for the last decade.

A PROFESSIONAL chess player is accused of cheating by receiving coded messages from a set of vibrating anal beads.

It sounds mad but we guess it makes a change from “I just fell on it while I was in the shower, doc”. If you can’t afford to buy a set of vibrating anal beads you could always try a simple pearl necklace. But that may be a bit tricky while you’re playing chess.

FRIDAY THURSDAY

PRINCE Harry is given permission to wear his Army uniform when he attends his granny’s state funeral.

Appparently Prince Andrew COULD also wear his rightful uniform – but flunkeys believe the orange boilersuit would clash with the flowers and the ankle irons might slow him down on the Mall.

SATURDAY

A HUGE security operation swings into action as the authorities leave nothing to chance for the big day.

Rooftop snipers, sniffer dogs, body searches…. the full works.

Yep, those Center Parcs security guards will make damn sure no f** ker dares to leave their cabin on Monday.