HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

LABOUR’S annual conference takes place in Liverpool – and it kicks off with a rousing rendition of the new national anthem.

They normally sing the Red Flag but apparently it gives Angela Rayner the hump if she’s on the rag.

Meanwhile, the Tories give Labour an absolute gift by causing the pound to slump to its lowest value in 50 years.

Locals haven’t been so pleased to see Sterling take a hiding since he first f** ked off to Man City.

FRIDAY TUESDAY

THE Royal Mint releases the design for a new 50 pence piece featuring our new King. It’ll be released in a few weeks, meaning Charles can finally be tossed by the whole nation.

Not just Camilla, Diana and a few Gordonstoun prefects.

WEDNESDAY

RUSSIA is accused of sabotaging a gas pipeline after huge bubbles of toxic air are seen rising to the top of the Baltic Sea.

The Ruskies should say they just accidentally sat on a sponge.

That’s what my missus claims when the same thing happens to her in the bath.

THURSDAY

PRIME Minister Liz Truss comes out of hiding for the first time since torching the UK economy – but dodges national media in favour of a round of BBC local radio stations.

To be fair, they do a great job in holding her to account over the plummeting pound, soaring interest rates and energy crisis – and how those things will affect the pedestrianisation of Norwich high street.

FLORIDA picks up pieces after Hurricane Ian causes storm surges 14 feet high.

Boffins believe it’s the first time anything called Ian has got anyone even slightly wet. They obviously never stood near Ian Paisley while he was foaming at the mouth.

SATURDAY

EMPLOYERS who force menopausal women to wear tight or ill- fitting uniforms could be sued, it’s announced.

The new rules forcing ladies to suffer hot flushes in inappropriate clothing is just not on – and we couldn’t agree more.

That’s why we’ve always insisted women’s work uniforms – from naughty nun to frisky nurse or strict school ma’am – should be short, flimsy and with plenty of peepholes adequate ventilation.