THIS FIEND IS FAT TENING CATS FOR CHRISTMAS!
NEWS emerged last week that more than two thirds of UK adults are planning to cut back on spending this Christmas due to the cost of living crisis.
For all good Christian folk, that is a tragedy as poverty- stricken Brits are forced to curtail their celebrations marking the birth of Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
But for cold- eyed entrepreneur Arnold Delaney it is an OPPORTUNITY!
Because, with millions unable to afford the traditional turkey and trimmings dinner, Delaney is offering punters a cut- price alternative…
CAT!
Shabby
Acting on a tip- off and posing as Albanian cat thieves, Sunday Sport tracked down Delaney to his shabby smallholding near Crewe in Cheshire.
Amazingly, he has the nerve to pose as a cat lover – posting photos on Instagram of him cuddling a clutch of pussies. But our intrepid reporter discovered the heartbreaking truth.
Reeking of strong liquor and unsteady on his feet, Delaney boasted that he already had “hundreds” of orders for his “turkey- style meats” and he would take “all the cats you got”.
Unfazed by the horror of his enterprise, Delaney explained he fattened up the unfortunate mogs using grub discarded by Crewe’s numerous takeaways.
He drooled: “It’ll probably make the meat taste of curry and kebab but by Christmas Day, when my customers find out, it’ll be too late!”
He added: “I don’t tell them it’s cat meat, of course. I say it’s ‘ Hungarian Turkey’ – which is why I can sell it cheap.”
Our investigator saw dozens of mewing cats at Delaney’s property, all unaware they were heading for the Christmas dinner table.
Engineering a row over price with the warped cat fiend, our man made his excuses and left.
Last week a poll for data firm Accenture found some 75% of adults are not planning a “big celebration” this Yule and 70% are cutting back on last year.
And of those planning to reduce spending this Chrimbo, almost half ( 45%) are planning to buy food from budget- friendly supermarkets.
As for Delaney, his Christmas dinner will almost certainly be PRISON GRUEL…
Because we’re handing a dossier of our investigation into his wicked antics to the authorities.