Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer… SEPTIC MEG

STAR signs are normally full of utter shite, but that’s never the case with Septic Meg.

Sunday Sport’s in- house astrologer was the only stargazer in the business to foresee the COVID- 19 pandemic while her rivals blathered on about obscure astral happenings.

While they worried about Venus and Saturn aligning, our Meg was predicting the end of the world – and she was pretty darn close, too.

None of that rubbish about mystery men bearing gifts, abject despair and good old British doom and gloom are misery Meg’s stock in trade.

As she told the Editor at her job interview:

“If I could place a bet on a train crashing into a packed Sunshine coach, I would.”

Read on for the latest stunning insights beamed into her mind from the heavens…

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

YOU have cracked a tooth, and most certainly would wish the resulting, pulsing agony on your worst enemy.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

A CRACKED tooth means you can’t enjoy, say, your missus’s famed spicy ribs for Sunday lunch. Or a lovely carvery for that matter.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

YOU’VE noticed by using the National Lottery phone app exactly how much money you have squandered playing it this year alone.

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

AS of today, maths whizz Diane Abbott is Prime Minister. Well, possibly.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

SKIPS, those melt in your gob savoury snacks, are ideal food for those with temporary eating difficulties, such as one brought on by having a cracked tooth.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

IT’S Guy Fawkes Night next Saturday, so remember to look out of the window in disgust, close the curtains in anger, and mutter about it all being a waste of bloody money.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

YOU wish the hair on your face that you don’t want would replace the vanishing hair on your head that you do.

AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

IT’S less than eight weeks until Chrimbo Day.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

YOU think The Peripheral on Prime Video could be a gamechanger of a TV series, but also think it should come with instructions.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

YOU’VE discovered to your horror that an otherwise refreshing glass of vodka and tonic over lots of ice is to your cracked tooth as a tiger’s fang is to a gladiator’s ballbag.

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

EVERY little brat in the neighbourhood will be ringing your doorbell this evening. Don’t forget to prepare the boiling oil.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

THE simple act of yawning, or even grimacing, when pushing out a stubborn turd, greatly impacts on the level of throbbing experienced in a cracked tooth.