HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

HALLOWEEN brings the usual “trick or treat” fun as zombified children play games by candlelight and beg for food from strangers.

Or – as most families outside the Sunak household call it – “Monday”.

TUESDAY COLLINS Dictionary

says “Permacrisis” is its new word of the year – to describe the constant state of utter chaos this country is in.

The cause of that chaos is Liz Truss, who would be offended but she thinks it means a bad trip to the hairdressers.

Other new phrases on the list include “sportswashing” – which means only having a shower at the council leisure centre because you can’t afford to pay the gas bill – and “vibe shift”, which is when your buzzing anal beads switch position during a particularly tense chess match.

WEDNESDAY

FORMER Health Secretary Matt Hancock announces that he’ll be taking part in this year’s I’m A

Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here.

ITV will pay him a whopping £ 400,000 – which

Matt knows is a LOT of money.

When he was in charge of buying medical supplies during the pandemic that sort of cash would get you at least 50 pairs of gloves, some of which would have the right number of fingers.

The show is going to be nasty ordeal, especially when Matt inevitably gets buried in a pit of live rats.

However, they’ve said they’ll just close their eyes, hold their snouts and try to get through it as best they can.

THURSDAY

PAKISTAN’S former PM Imran Khan is shot in the leg.

The bullet looked to be travelling beyond the off stump but the umpire gave it anyway. Ridiculous decision, if you ask us.

FRIDAY

THE beauty pageant world is rocked by saucy gossip as

Miss Argentina and Miss

Puerto Rico announce they have fallen in love and got married.

Good luck to them – although it feels like South

America’s biggest waste of hard wood since they burned down the Amazon.

That wedding night must have been a lot of fun.

We’ll bet the Argie went down faster than the Belgrano – and came down the next morning boasting about having a Hand of Cod.

SATURDAY

TALKING of lipstick lesbians, the pop tart Katy Perry announces herself as a big fan of newspapers – saying she loves the sound of those “crisp pages” being turned at the breakfast table.

Well, Katy, we love you too – you are more than welcome to do a photoshoot for the Sport.

We promise it would go down very well with our readers – and the pages would be VERY crisp.