Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer… SEPTIC MEG

STAR signs are normally full of utter shite, but that’s never the case with Septic Meg.

Sunday Sport’s in- house astrologer was the only stargazer in the business to foresee the COVID- 19 pandemic while her rivals blathered on about obscure astral happenings.

While they worried about Venus and Saturn aligning, our Meg was predicting the end of the world – and she was pretty darn close, too.

None of that rubbish about mystery men bearing gifts, abject despair and good old British doom and gloom are misery Meg’s stock in trade.

As she told the Editor at her job interview:

“If I could place a bet on a train crashing into a packed Sunshine coach, I would.”

Read on for the latest stunning insights beamed into her mind from the heavens…

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

YOU’VE just discovered there are such things as “fennel pastilles” and wondering exactly when it was that mankind just gave up.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

YOU’RE getting pretty pissed off with answering the doorbell three times a day only to find that, yet again, it’s a parcel for that c** t next door.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

WAITING for the gas bill to arrive has taken on the same frisson of nervy, exciting fear as standing on the edge of a very tall, windy cliff.

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

YOU’RE wondering what date it’ll be when you decide it’s too late to bother with wrapping paper and offer a lame excuse about saving the polar bears instead.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

TIKTOK is a mystery to you. As far as you’re concerned, Paint was hard enough.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

WHEN she mentions she was just “thinking about the kids for Christmas…”, your mind takes instant flight to its happy place of death, famine, war and conquest.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

BEING allergic to pumpkin flesh and a propensity for hiding inside unlit bonfires makes you wonder if it’s really worth hedgehogs doing Halloween and Bonfire Night at all.

AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

IT doesn’t matter how posh you think you are, pâté is just meat paste, the same as that awful shit on your old school butties, but with a fancy name.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

IT’S almost certain – nailed on, even – that you as an individual will never, ever, win the EuroMillions jackpot.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

YOU remember the novelty and blissful lack of effort involved in sending Christmas cards via email, and now you can’t be arsed doing even that.

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

NO- one in world history has ever turned down the offer of a freshly- fried egg sandwich, and you’re not going to start now.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

YOU reckon Northern Ireland politicians are onto something by never going to work, getting paid anyway, having ruddy red faces, and then blaming it all on everyone else.