HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

2023-04-30 -

MONDAY

THE ballroom dancing community goes into mourning – by which we mean the glitterballs turn at half speed and they choose the deepest shade of fake tan – after Strictly legend Len Goodman foxtrots off this mortal coil.

Len was a professional welder before turning to dancing. He only got the BBC gig when he turned up to do some rivet work on Dame Arlene Phillips’ face.

His catchphrase was shouting “Seven!” – either at contestants or, more recently, when it was time for the carers to put him to bed.

WEDNESDAY FRIDAY TUESDAY

POP star Adele surprises James Corden with a special “Carpool Karaoke” – as he prepares to leave the US.

The newly slim singer seemed really choked to be saying goodbye to her fellow ex- pat. Which is odd, as you’d think she’d be used to losing 15 stone of useless fat by now.

THE first Brits to be rescued from war- torn Sudan arrive back in the UK, after a long and perilous journey.

They flew in from Larnaca in Cyprus – with most passengers looking utterly traumatised, broken and half- mad at witnessing mankind’s capacity for cruelty, brutality and degradation.

With hindsight, they should never have stopped for a cheeky night out in Ayia Napa.

THURSDAY

KING Charles and Queen Camilla visit Liverpool to see the stage that will host Eurovision – and they met Rylan Clarke, who’ll be hosting. Apparently the Queen really enjoyed the experience. Especially the part where he met Charles and Camilla.

TRASH TV pioneer Jerry Springfield dies.

He invented the concept of putting lower- class women on stage and baiting them in the hope of a fight breaking out – an idea for which the producers of ITV’s Loose Women will be forever grateful.

The funeral will take place next week and we fully expect the mourners to come up with a suitable twist on that infamous chant.

Altogether now: “Bury! Jerry! Bury! Jerry!”