TEABAGGING INCIDENT I lost my BOLLOCKS …thanks to Rishi’s phone alert
DURING EMERGENCY SYSTEM TEST…
THE Government spent MILLIONS promoting last week’s semisuccessful test of its so- called Emergency Alert Warning, delivered to phones across the country.
But NONE of the public information announcements about the alert warned Brits NOT to dangle their bollocks in a dog’s mouth ahead of the alert sounding.
Tackle
And so, today, unlucky Keith Johnson is minus his crown jewels – and he wants COMPO from PM Rishi Sunak.
Keith, of Crewe, Cheshire, claims he would NEVER have teabagged his threeyearold Rottweiler if he’d known he’d lose his tackle when the alert blared from his mobile.
The unemployed fitter, 54, raged: “Not one word from the government warned me that his damned alert could cost me my nuts… not one!
“I’m furious.”
Keith explained that after an all- night merrymaking session with pals, he boasted that Rottie Stephanie – named after his ex- wife – was so obedient, he could dangle his cods in her mouth without coming to harm.
He said: “My mates bet me £ 20 that I would not do it and
I’m never one to back down from a wager, so I got my knackers out and told Stephanie to open wide.”
But as he placed his family treasures in the dog’s maw, Keith’s phone burst out sounding the alert.
He said: “It wasn’t just mine. It was all my mates’ too.
Gonads
“Poor Stephanie went berserk and bit off my nads with one chomp. It didn’t hurt at first – on account of the booze and monkey dust – but then I passed out and woke in Leighton Hospital. Minus my gonads!
“Needless to say, I’m pretty pissed off and my mate, whose sister’s boyfriend’s ex- wife works for a solicitor, reckons I’ve got a good case.
“I want compo!”