HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

NIGEL Farage emerges from the I’m a Celeb jungle and immediately declares “war” on the ITV boss Kevin Lygo – after his bare BUM was broadcast to millions of viewers on the popular reality show.

It’s the first time a pair of buttocks has sparked a major conflict, although we do vaguely recall that the Second World War was partly caused by the Treaty of V- ARSE- illes.

Let’s hope the two sides can be brought peacefully together. By which we mean Mr Farage and Mr Lygo. Not Nigel’s bottom.

TUESDAY

RISHI Sunak survives a Tory party rebellion by the skin of his teeth, and denies claims that he is “tetchy”.

Mate, I don’t think she said tetchy.

And, for the record, it really wasn’t that cold.

WEDNESDAY

PREGNANT actress Sienna Miller graces the front cover of Vogue magazine, with her swollen belly and bigger knockers on display.

The fashion bible goes for the headline “Sienna Miller ( it’s a girl)”, which seems fairly obvious to us, but in these superwoke days you probably have to spell it out.

And at least it means “Sienna MILFer” is still available if she fancies doing a shoot for Sunday Sport. As is “Seen ’ er Milkers?”

THURSDAY

BRITISH Olympic hero Dame Laura Kenny breaks a taboo by revealing many top female athletes find it hard to get pregnant – because sport “drains our reproductive power”.

It’s a big problem, apparently. Many of the top track and field girls don’t have periods because of the strain their bodies are under.

It’s a big problem which has been hidden away for years. Back in the 1980s, some of East Germany’s top female shot putters could barely get an erection.

FRIDAY

ACTRESS Sheridan Smith says she regrets her many tattoos, and swears she’ll never again suffer an irritating little prick that gets under her skin.

So we guess that means no more working with James Corden?

SATURDAY

STAFF at the Ritz Hotel breathe a sigh of relief after a diamond ring worth £ 750,000 turns up in the dust bag of a vacuum cleaner.

The lucky discovery means a chambermaid, who was under suspicion, is now in the clear.

However, Henry the Hoover is starting a five- year stretch for theft. That’ll wipe the smile off his face – especially when he finds out why the other lags are all desperate to be his cellmate.