HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

WAYNE Rooney is sacked as Birmingham City coach – prompting BBC Sport to mock up a snide image of him as a Peaky Blinder.

The pranksters quickly took the joke down but Wazza didn’t seem bothered.

As it happens many of his best friends are Brummies, some of his biggest influences are gangsters and at least one of his favourite hookers was born in the 1920s.

TUESDAY

CULTURE buffs at the British Film Institute agree to show a series of classic James Bond movies, but only if there are “trigger warnings” about his, ahem, “old fashioned” attitudes towards women.

The famous secret agent could certainly be quite, ahem, “insistent” with the ladies – and he rarely spent much time on 004- play.

We’re thinking it might be time to rename some of those films: No Time To Ask, Cold Finger, and – for Scottish fans – Och, too pushy.

Of course, the modern Bond is much better. He knows that Dr No Means No.

WEDNESDAY

DARTS ace Luke Littler helps to lift the January blues as he comes within a whisker of winning the World Championship.

The final was a real tonic. Without it, we’d have just slumped in front of some online porn for five hours.

Perhaps it’s not that different. Darts and porn both see someone with a big pair of tits trying to squeeze three pricks into the same tight slot.

THURSDAY

AUTHORITIES in Nottingham declare a state of emergency as the River Trent threatens to submerge the city.

Things got so bad that Nottingham’s most famous couple nearly changed their names to Bobbin’ Hood and Mermaid Marian.

FRIDAY

FORMER Olympic hero Oscar Pistorius is released from prison on parole after serving more than half of his sentence.

They would have let him out sooner but his ankle tag kept slipping off.

SATURDAY

A TOWN council in Wiltshire agree to replace signs for a “Slag Lane” after they mysteriously disappeared, presumably pinched by prissy locals.

We don’t know who the original slag was but we reckon she’d appreciate the support of the councillors, especially the part when they all got behind her and put their hands up.