HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

GERMAN defence officials are hacked by Russians talking about the fact that British soldiers are in Ukraine.

They should use some kind of coding machine so no- one can intercept their messages.

But maybe making those is too difficult… they’re something of an enigma.

TUESDAY

THE Princess of Wales’s Uncle Gary Goldsmith causes controversy by entering the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Still, the Waleses shouldn’t worry. It could be worse – they could have an uncle in the family who paid millions to silence a women he’s accused of having sex with. Imagine that!

WEDNESDAY

RISHI Sunak’s wife reveals her filthy bedroom secret.

No, she’s not into brown showers or felching – she doesn’t make her bed in the morning.

The Prime Minster said he often has to leave work and go and make the bed because it bothers him so much.

Nice to see the country’s doing so well that our leader can worry about the smaller things in life.

THURSDAY

CHANCELLOR Jeremy Hunt is left red- faced once more when a broadcaster gets his name wrong and calls him “Jeremy C** t”.

He probably holds a record for the most times a human being has been called a c** t. Well, after James Corden, obviously.

FRIDAY

MEDIA baron Rupert Murdoch announces he is getting married for the fifth time.

Come on Rupes… you’re a billionaire, if you like wedding cake that much, just buy some.

SATURDAY

MEGHAN Markle wants to relaunch herself in the UK and is hiring PR gurus to help.

Here’s some advice for free: start drinking out of a big Sports Direct mug, moan about the weather, learn how to make a proper cup of tea, learn how to be sarcastic, enjoy a nice biscuit, and stop being such a self- righteous, posturing insufferable whinge bag.

Simple really.