Introducing Britain’s most PESSIMISTIC astrologer… SEPTIC MEG

FORGET astrologers who tell you you’re going to meet a tall, dark stranger and that you’re about to come into money…

Septic Meg tells it like it is – UTTERLY SHITE!

Other newspapers’ stargazers are filled with optimistic balderdash, which leaves you completely unprepared for the vale of tears that is the real world.

Did any other newspaper astrologer see the coronavirus coming? Of course they f** king didn’t.

So here’s how YOUR immediate future is going to pan out, according to our very own SEPTIC MEG!

TAURUS APRIL 20 – MAY 20

THAT you even considered wearing shorts last weekend makes me worry about your future as an Englishman.

CANCER JUNE 21 – JULY 22

YOU know it’s got something to do with clever, tiny hairs, but that doesn’t * quite* quench your thirst for the knowledge of how geckos stay stuck to the ceiling.

VIRGO AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22

IT’S been a remarkably long time since you had a Milky Way, but it won’t be a remarkably long time before you fix that.

SCORPIO OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21

EVEN thinking about the word “goulash” puts a smile on your face.

CAPRICORN DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19

DISCOVERING that Cadbury’s are currently flogging limited edition Dairy Milk Bars laced with crackly Daim caramel throughout makes your bum hole twitch.

PISCES FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20

YOU’RE wondering if it would be more efficient and cut out the middle man by simply pouring your planned lottery ticket outgoings straight into the kitchen bin.

GEMINI MAY 21 – JUNE 20

EVEN now, on the rare occasion you come across a desk calculator, you take enormous pleasure in once again tapping out 58008.

LEO JULY 23 – AUGUST 22

IN the fading world of tubs of confectionary sat behind the newsagent, next to the Polish vodka, you opt for coconut bon bons by far the very least.

LIBRA SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22

YOU detest all holiday adverts, but in particular that Trailfinders one that’s on too many times an hour on GB News, right before the gold jewellery shite.

SAGITTARIUS NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 21

YOU suspect there is an unspoken hierarchy among the various flavours of the omnipotent Tic Tac.

AQUARIUS JANUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 18

BY Thursday evening, you will have eaten your second chippy tea of the week.

ARIES MARCH 21 – APRIL 19

YOU attempted watching Oppenheimer and were so successfully engrossed in all its maths and physics that you felt it only fair to nod off after 20 tortuous minutes.