HE TAKES ALL THE WEEK’S NEWS & PULLS ITS PANTS DOWN

MONDAY

MARTIN Freeman reveals he has started eating meat again after 38 years as a vegetarian.

Imagine how good that first bacon butty must have been.

Almost as good as how relieved his friends are that he’s not banging on about being a veggie any more.

WEDNESDAY FRIDAY

RUFUS Wainwright, the writer of Sheridan Smith’s flop musical Opening Night, blames Brexit for its demise.

Of course he has a good point – musical theatre fans are notorious for being right- wing leavers.

BENIDORM tourists are forced to flee the beach in the Spanish resort when a thick fog rolls in.

Apparently, the town has never looked so good.

TUESDAY

VLADIMIR Putin is sworn in as President of Russia for a fifth time.

His election victory was more odds- on than Mike Tyson fighting Kylie Minogue.

It’s not the best news for the rest of the world but at least the Russian bookies made a killing – much like Putin himself likes to do.

THURSDAY

PRINCE Harry turns up in Britain but doesn’t meet up with his dad or brother who are both too busy to see him.

Apparently, he feels like he’s the victim of discrimination at the hands of his family who hate him, not because he spilled all their secrets in a series of books and interviews, but because he’s ginger.

SATURDAY

THE first episode of the new series of Doctor Who airs on the BBC and fans are furious with show boss Russell T Davies for making it too woke, saying it stops it being realistic.

Good point – the last thing a programme about an alien time traveller with two hearts needs to be is unrealistic.