TOP TIPS
LIKE Sunday Sport, Viz Top Tips are a national institution. And in this weekly feature, we bring you some of the very best from over the years… FELLAS. Don’t waste money on expensive pornographic magazines. Simply ask female friends to pose naked whilst you masturbate. Neil Keenan, email SINCE our daughter outgrew her potty we have used it as an attractive fruit bowl, a far cheaper alternative to the expensiv e fruit bowls which you see in the shops nowadays. J. Moy,
Hull MINISTRY of Defence scientists. Make cheap body armour out of sweetcorn. strong If it’s enough to survive commute the through my guts, reckon it could I bullet. probably stop a Ed O’Meara, email PETER Andre. Save money when ordering tailored shirts by not ordering the first five buttons ( or first four buttons for winter shirts). Dan Waite, email FAT, balding blokes in your 50s. Don’t buy Porsche 911s as you may look a bit of a twat when struggling to climb out of them at Tesco petrol stations. Nick Bullen, email SPRAY fish and chips with Mr Muscle window cleaner. It contains vinegar and will cut through grease, leaving your meal more healthy. Bartram Laidlaw,
Crewe PRETEND you are at a rally for enthusiasts of normal, everyday cars by driving to a supermarket car park and sitting beside your vehicle in a folding chair, talking about it to everyone who passes. VACUUM cleaner manufacturers. Install headphone ports into your products, then only the user will have to put up with the noise. Malcolm Alcock,
email R Belfitt, Leeds GUINNESS World Record fans. Don’t bother shoving Smarties under your foreskin as it seems they will not accept this as a world record. Gareth D, Swindon CHEESE eaters. Instead of eating a large piece of mild cheese, save time and money by eating a much smaller piece of extra mature cheese. Shenkin Arsecandle,