FRIDAY

ANGRY vegans demand an immediate altering of popular sayings which feature meat or animal products.

They say the changes could be very subtle. For example: “Bring home the bacon” should become “bring home the bagels”, while “killing two birds with one stone” would be “feeding two birds with one scone”.

It’s a load of nonsense, but I’m trying to bang a vegan lass so I’m trying to take it seriously.

I’ve just messaged her to say: “Sorry love, I can’t shove my rock up your puffy tonight as I have a terrible case of pubic crops and a thick coating of knob chalk. How about next week?”