Suicide was on my mind all the time, but there is a way out of the despair

FITNESS PROJECT HELPS BEAT DEMONS

IN the depths of his depression he would sit at home with pills by his side, go to the garage with the intention of leaving the engine running and hold a knife to his wrists.

Now Michael Clark is fighting back against the mental health problems which have haunted him for years.

A former bakery manager, Michael was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder eight years ago, leading him to barricade himself indoors and self-harm as a way of coping with the stress.

The 37-year-old said that, despite support from his wife Jenny and daughter Shannon, he had to stop working, gained weight and found himself avoiding any physical activity or contact with the outside world.

“I spent hours in counselling but it was pretty ineffective for me. The depression became so deep that the thoughts of suicide were so intense that it was difficult to think of much else,” said Michael, of Cramlington in Northumberland.

“I shut myself away from most things, which only increased my feelings of worthlessness and I’d spend most of my time in the house.

“The night-times were so hard to deal with I’d find myself walking the streets at all hours of the morning trying to distract myself from my dark thoughts. I loved those hours because it would be highly unlikely to see anyone or need to interact with anyone.

“Whenever I was feeling particularly low or had intense feelings about suicide, I’d cut myself. I’d see the blood and things would seem to feel better. I felt little physical pain at the time but would feel it afterwards.”

Michael has changed his life this year by getting physically fit again with a programme at Elite Together in Cramlington, where he has lost 92lbs (almost six and a half stone) in weight and has found the confidence to live his life again. He said: “Over the few years out of work and because of my sedentary lifestyle I gained a lot of weight. It got so far out of hand that it wasn’t just anxiety that would stop me from doing things, it was my physical health. “It wasn’t just going upstairs that was difficult, it was everyday things like standing up, having a bath or putting on socks and shoes. Even after doing these things I could barely walk to the end of our street without needing to rest. “Elite Together was a huge turning point for me. It took a while for me to build up the courage but I took the step and went along. I approached the manager and he put me at ease about it all. I signed up and that was the beginning of something which has saved my life. “I can’t fully explain the boost it gave me in terms of self-confidence and physical ability. I could not only feel my physical health improving but, more importantly, my overall outlook on life began to change. I’ve gained the confidence to get out of my self-imposed isolation