Future global apocalypse may not be quite as advertised

How the movies depict global panic and apocalyptic dystopian futures is at odds with what the current coronavirus pandemic has thrown up.

Mad Max movies and zombie horrors depict the end of days with wild-eyed survivors careering around smouldering wastelands in customised battle wagons armed to teeth with studded nunchucks and sawn-off shotguns.

Ripped leather jackets, bullet belts and the occasional fetching eye-patch are de rigueur.

In the real world, however, the coronavirus pandemic appears to involve a lot of sitting around at home in your vest and underpants worrying about your stash of toilet rolls .

Andrex, I suspect, may well be the currency of the future.

Every apocalyptic movie has its pivotal moment when the stark realisation of the horror to come is revealed. In Zombie Flesh Eaters, it’s the sight of the walking dead shuffling across the Brooklyn Bridge into New York city. The US president’s security guards opening fire on crowds as he’s bundled into a helicopter let’s you know all is not well in Dawn of the Dead (that and zombies eating people’s brains obviously). Charlton Heston stumbling on the ingredients of Soylent Green does it in the movie of the same name.

Today, society’s meltdown has been signalled by empty loo roll aisles in Sainsbury’s and Idris Elba revealing on twitter he has the virus! “Crikey, If that bloke who starred in Luther can get Covid-19 then we’re all doomed.”

Idris did, however, tweet to tell us: “I will keep you updated on how I’m doing. No panic.”

Rather than checking the daily Government briefings on the coronavirus situation, I will instead be tracking the progress of Idris from my underground bunker in North Tyneside. Thing is, I can’t help but panic between his tweets. One a day is not enough to truly calm the nation’s Idris Elba fears. If only he would livestream his self-isolation then we could all sleep at night.

Newspapers, I’m pleased to say, are playing a vital part in easing the public’s suffering. Once again, your local newspaper has come into its own.

We inform, we entertain and, most importantly, we double up as emergency toilet roll in the nation's moment of need. Glad to be of service...