Now is the time for a nation to keep calm and … keepy up!

The world is being brought to its knees by a catastrophic pandemic and what does the football community do? It plays keepy ups with toilet rolls!

It speaks volumes about the state of our society that in our hour of need, those pampered sporting elites, lauded by the masses, deliver nought but videos of themselves kicking tightly packed rolls of nationally-scarce paper bum wipes.

You know what that says about our society? It says we like a laugh.

I could manage only eight keepy ups, a poor showing I know but I hold the record in this lockdown home. Despite no football being played, it doesn’t seem to have put people off gassing about the game.

Listen! Can you hear that sound? It’s kind of like a rolled up Kit Kat wrapper rattling around an empty biscuit tin: That’s the sound of football league bigwigs racking their brains over how to finish their respective seasons. Like we give a hoot.

If this had been a zombie apocalypse, Premier League chairmen would still be trying to find ways of completing the last nine games to recoup lost revenue.

“We could play them behind closed doors. Maybe bring back fencing to keep the zombies off the pitch. Their wailing would at least add to the atmosphere, the TV companies like that.”

As it is, I rather miss those sports radio shows that have obviously had to shut down now that absolutely no sport is taking place absolutely anywhere. Except they haven’t. Pundits are still going at it, almost oblivious to the lack of sport.

To be fair, it’s not that much different to normal. A football match lasts 90 minutes, and the pundits fill in the other 166-and-a-half hours left in the week before the next game.

Given the actual match amounts to less than one-hundredth of the punditry spouted it’s little wonder the radio stations are still going. I get the impression that the 90 minutes is an unwelcome interruption to their *inane chatter/expert opinion (*delete where applicable).

If this lockdown goes on any longer, your favourite soccer pundits will be giving us a running commentary on the stars doing their bog roll juggling.

I’m sure there’s an apt metaphor in there somewhere but I’m damned if I can spot it...