Don’t make resolutions: have covid-free fantasies instead

Ialways fulfil my new year’s resolutions by never bothering to make any. I’m quite resolute about it. In 2021 it could be that nobody bothers. After all, in 2020 you could have two cracks at resolutions; at new year and before lockdown. All those activities you were going to take up or resist, either noble and improving, or medically inadvisable. You didn’t manage any of it, did you.

So this new year it seems more uplifting to harbour idle fantasies about what you will do, if and when we can once again do as we please.

Vaccination could provide this. But assumptions are dangerous. As one of my old teachers used to say: “To assume is to make an ass of ‘u’ and me.”

That little aphorism was only one reason why we all hated him. Turgid old noise

The scene at the library when it finally reopens. Picture by Kevin Brady. that he was. It’s the last column of the year, so let’s have some fun and assume away. Not only that, we’ll pretend that all restrictions will be lifted at the same time. A sort of covid VE Day. What will you do on that mythical day? And don’t waste your fantasies on exercise or clean living.

You could go to a restaurant, preferably a crowded one, then hug everyone there followed by a few hearty swigs from someone else’s glass.

Alternatively you could visit the nearest major sporting venue and watch some exhilarating football (we did say this was mythical), while simultaneously undergoing a manicure, a foot rub and a bubble perm.

Then it’s off to the pub to spend an hour in the company of the most violent and productive cougher there, safe in the knowledge that you can’t catch covid. Admittedly you might still contract hepatitis or some other horrible condition. But at least it will be a traditional lurgy, like our granddads used to enjoy.

Then it’s all back to my place for a massive game of pile-on, followed by a few preliminary rounds of British bulldog.

All pie in the sky, of course. In reality the thought of a return to the library is enough to excite me. Still,

I’m trying to end 2020 with some positive, albeit ridiculous thoughts. I could provide some realistic negativity too. Want to hear it?

Thought not.