Pulling a trick

Mandy' s husband had booked her the holiday from hell. It was payback time!

Hello, my sweet!' Bill exclaimed with a big smile on his face as he walked through the door back from work.

Mandy looked up at her husband suspiciously.

What are you so chirpy about?' she asked.

Oh, nothing. Except¼' Mandy put down her iron. Except what?'

Well, today my darling, I was inspired.'

Oh yes?'

Yes, I looked out of the window, saw the grey clouds, thought of how hard you work, and realised: My Mandy needs a holiday before she starts her new job.'

What?'

Don' t look so startled. I know how the thought of winter depresses you, and while it might still be the end of summer somewhere in England, here in Barnsley we seem to be moving into deepest autumn. I thought what you needed was to get away while you can.'

I do, what a brilliant idea! I' ve wanted to go away all summer. You haven' t used up any of your holiday entitlement, we could have a fortnight somewhere nice¼'

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Mandy' s mind raced.

Where shall we go? Spain? Tenerife? Can we afford it?'

Not for two, no,' Bill said. And I' m busy at work right now anyway. But you' ve got a few weeks before you begin your new contract, and who knows when you' ll be able to take time off then. So this is your chance for some fun before you get back into the rat race.'

Go on my own?' Mandy asked. You don' t mind?'

Bill put his arm around her. Not at all. After all, you' ll come back refreshed and rejuvenated, a new woman,' he said, kissing her on the cheek. And I' ll get the benefit of that, won' t I?'

I suppose so,' Mandy said.

It all sounded too good to be true, but she wasn' t going to argue with Bill. I know, I could go to my aunt' s time share in Spain.' Bill sighed.

I don' t think so. You' d be lonely, all on your own.'

Mandy thought of the

Spanish waiters bored and underworked as the visitors trailed off at the end of the season and couldn' t quite agree.

No, I don' t think I would be¼' she began.

Well, I' ve already organised something better,' Bill went on. I' ve booked a lovely surprise holiday for you.'

Have you?'

You' re going to be pampered and spoilt, living a life of luxury.'

Really?' Mandy said, getting excited. Where? When?'

Next week,' Bill said, beaming. You' re going to one of the country' s top health spas. They have a swimming pool, jacuzzi, sauna, beautiful rooms all set in fabulous grounds in the country. You' ll love it.'

A health spa? Gosh! I never thought I' d go anywhere like that,' Mandy beamed. Isn' t it terribly expensive? How can we afford it?'

Well,' said Bill, I must be honest. Dave won it as a prize in a competition as a surprise for his wife, but she can' t go. So I talked him in to letting me pay for you to go in her place.'

Mandy threw her arms around her husband.

How brilliant!' she cried. Thank you, darling.'

A health spa? Gosh! I never thought Id go anywhere like that

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I' ve even got you a little present,' Bill said, pulling out

a small parcel. Dave' s wife said you' d need it.'

Wow!' Mandy exclaimed. This is like Christmas!'

She tore open the paper.

It' s a new swimming costume for you.' Bill said.

Thank you, darling!'

Mandy said, just stopping herself from laughing.

Now was not the time to tell him that he' d bought her what looked like a leotard by mistake.

But she could wear it as a swimming costume, and reasoned it would be good to have a spare if she' d be going in the pool a lot.

Bill smiled.

That' s OK, you just make sure you make good use of all those wonderful facilities.'

Oh, I intend to, don' t you worry,' Mandy smiled.

When she arrived at the Old Manor House Health Resort & Spa, set in acres of its own grounds, Mandy couldn' t believe it.

Bill was right. It was the height of luxury. Her room was huge! She flopped on to her bed and gazed out at the wonderful view.

She could get very used to this.

She was tired after her long journey, and was just drifting off to sleep when the ring of the phone by her bed woke her up.

Mrs Lees? Can you come down to the gym for your introductory session, please?' the receptionist asked. We' re expecting you.'

Oh, sorry!' Mandy said, getting up quickly.

She wondered if there was going to be a champagne reception. That would set her up nicely!

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You' re late!' barked a large, muscular woman when she got there. And why haven' t you got changed?'

Mystified, Mandy gazed at the women lined up in the gym, all in leotards.

Three o' clock is aerobics, haven' t you read your schedule?' the woman said curtly. Come on, jump to it!'

Mandy should have rebelled straightaway, but one look at the glare on the face of the instructor and she did as she was told.

She ran upstairs, pulled on the leotard that Bill had so kindly given her and ran back down again.

Aerobics was followed by step exercises, which were followed by pool time which was not a leisurely swim and time in the jacuzzi, but rather 10 lengths of the pool.

Then, when she knew she couldn' t move another muscle, Mandy was told it was dinner time.

Couldn' t she just murder steak and chips!

She gazed in horror at the plate of low-fat quiche and salad that was put down in front of her.

This has got to be a joke,' she said, shaking her head.

See anyone laughing?' the woman opposite remarked. Still, we didn' t come on this Fatbuster Boot Campº to pile on the pounds, did we? You know what they say, no pain, no gain!'

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Fatbuster Boot Camp?'

Mandy repeated faintly.

And suddenly she knew. Of course!

When did Bill ever give her something for nothing?

For years he' d been going on about her losing weight, and now he was forcing her to all under the guise of giving her a holiday.

What a rotten trick he' d pulled. No wonder Dave' s wife didn' t want her prize!

I want to go home,'

Mandy whispered.

We were warned we' d feel like that sometimes,' the woman said. That' s why we' re 20 miles from the nearest bus stop, and there' s no WiFi or mobile signal out here. And in case you haven' t checked yet, the bedside phones can' t make outside calls. You can' t even summon a taxi to escape.

Come on, eat up. We' ve got a six-mile run to do in half an hour!'

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Mandy wanted to die at 7pm that night.

And at 6am the following morning, when she had her early morning wake-up call. And every hour thereafter.

Everyone else felt the strain too, but there was one difference between Mandy and the other people alongside her. They all wanted to lose weight.

All that day, she fantasised about fish and chips.

The next day, she drooled at the thought of a nice steak and kidney pudding.

By the end of day four she was even hallucinating about being woken from a lie-in to a lovely breakfast of bacon and eggs.

But the daily exercise and low-calorie diet was unrelenting.

By the time Mandy returned home, she was a shadow of her former self.

You look wonderful, darling!' Bill said, as Mandy tentatively stepped off the coach.

I feel ghastly,' she told him. You pig! How could you do that to me?'

But think of all the weight you' ve lost and how toned you look!' Bill told her. You should be thanking me.'

Mandy would have whacked him with her case if she' d had the strength and if her nose hadn' t been assailed by the wonderful aroma of the chip shop.

I don' t think that' s a good idea,' Bill said, running after her, dragging her case as she rushed off in the direction

of the chippy.

After her plate of steak and kidney pie and double chips, Mandy at last had the energy to tell Bill exactly what she thought of him.

Come on,' he said. You look wonderful. And how else would you have managed to get so fit and lose all that weight? I did it for your sake, Mandy.'

Oh yes?' she replied. And what about you, then? Are you going off on a Fatbuster Boot Camp too? All you do is sit at a desk all day and then in front of the TV each night. Your middle' s got more spare tyres than Kwik Fit!'

But men are different to women!' said Bill. They' re built differently we' re supposed to be tubby, and nothing you can say will persuade me otherwise.' Mandy glared at him.

It was always the same with Bill. One rule for men and another for women.

She didn' t speak to him for over a day. And then she decided she was being silly.

She did enjoy being thinner, her friends were all really envious of her new look.

And once she' d recovered from all that exercise, she did find that she had so much more energy.

I knew you' d see it my way,' Bill smiled. I always know best, remember that in future.'

I' m sorry I was grumpy,' Mandy said. I want to do something for you now, darling. To show you how pleased I am.'

There' s no need,' Bill said. Just looking at my new, slim wife is all the thanks I need.'

No, it isn' t enough,' Mandy replied. You spent all that money on my holiday.'

Well, it wasn' t that much...' Bill said, shifting awkwardly in his seat, and recalling how Dave' s wife had begged him to take the holiday for Mandy so that she didn' t have to go.

But the thought was there,' Mandy went on. I' ve had my holiday, and now you deserve one. Dave won one for his wife, maybe I can win one for you?'

Well, it would be nice if you can manage it,' Bill said. But I' m not sure you will¼'

We' ll see! I' m going to enter every competition I can,' Mandy said, kissing him. You deserve a treat, and I' m going to get one for you if I possibly can.'

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Four weeks later, Mandy rang Bill excitedly at work.

How do you fancy a cruise?' she asked him.

What?'

You' re going for three weeks starting next week!' Mandy told him. I' ve already checked with your boss, and he says he will give you the time off.'

Wow, he did? Really?'

Yup,' Mandy replied. Brilliant, thank you, darling!' Bill cried. I can' t believe it. Me, Bill Lees, going on a cruise. So where are we going, then?'

It' s just you,' Mandy said. You know me, terrified of the sea. Besides, I' ve had my holiday, and my new job starts in 10 days. You' ll be leaving from Southampton, heading for the Med.'

The Med! How fantastic!' Bill beamed. I never thought that you' d actually manage to win me a holiday! Oh darling, you are clever!'

I know,' she grinned.

The next few days, Mandy spent her time washing and ironing clothes for Bill.

He was really excited he' d always fancied himself strolling the decks, breathing in the wonderful, fresh, invigorating sea air.

Plus, he' d heard about all those rich widows who went on cruises, desperate for romance. He was sure he could make some woman happy for a few weeks.

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Mandy caught the coach to Southampton with Bill to wave him off. But the bus was delayed, and they arrived at the docks only minutes before the Christina sailed.

There wasn' t time for Mandy to go on with Bill.

While he quickly saw to his luggage, she showed all the paperwork to the man checking everyone on board.

Bill didn' t even have time to go and find his cabin. He just stood on deck, waving to Mandy and blowing kisses at her, already keeping half an eye-out for any rich widows.

Mandy waved back, her smile big and broad.

She had tried to win him a holiday, she really had, but hadn' t managed it. It wasn' t really her fault that he' d jumped to the conclusion that she had.

Besides, she hadn' t wanted him to be disappointed, and knowing just how much he' d longed to go to the Med, she' d done all she could to arrange this trip for him.

As the ship cast off, she gave him one last wave and turned to go.

It could be a while before he discovered the truth, by which time they' d be too far out for him to jump ship.

He should come back, tanned, lean and so much fitter. After all, as a member of the ship' s crew he' d be on his feet from noon to night.

And to think, while he was slaving away, she' d arranged for his wages to be paid into their joint bank account.

Mandy smiled as she got back on the coach, and headed not for home, but for a weekend in London

a real holiday at last!

With any luck, Bill would think twice about pulling any stunts in the future.

For he' d have learnt that she was much better at it than him!

A nd what about you, then? Your middle s got more spare tyres than Kwik Fit!