Office gossip

Vanessa loved to laugh about others, until the joke was on her!

Vanessa twirled her office chair to face Jane at the desk behind. `Are you coming to my Tupperware party tonight, then?' she asked.

Jane shuddered inwardly at the thought. Tupperware party?' she asked, not sure that she' d heard right. Wasn' t that the kind of thing her granny used to go to?

It' s quality plastic food storage and all the rage in chic society,' said Vanessa, with a superior look.

Why are you holding one, then, Vanessa?' giggled Holly.

To give you lot some culture!' said Vanessa.

Jane shook her head. If a Tupperware party was culture, what on earth did Vanessa do when she wanted to dumb down?

You' d better go,' Holly whispered. If only to stop her gossiping about you behind your back.'

Jane smiled at Holly. Gossip? About me? But there' s nothing to say.' That' s never stopped Vanessa,' said Fiona. You' ve got a lovely figure. Is it real?'

Of course it' s real,' Jane spluttered.

That' s not what Vanessa was saying when you were off ill last week. She thought maybe you' d gone to have your breasts looked at.'

Either that, or you' d gone to see a plastic surgeon about the bags under your eyes¼' said Holly.

What bags?'

Exactly,' said Holly. See what she' s like? If you don' t go tonight you' ll be the topic of conversation.'

Jane frowned. She had far more interesting things to do with her life than go to Tupperware parties. At least, she should have¼

Maybe I' ll pop along for half an hour,' she sighed.

The minute Jane arrived at Vanessa' s party, the conversation stopped. She smiled either they' d been talking about her or she' d made the stunning entrance she' d hoped for. She winked at Holly and Sylvia as she sat down. It was amazing how a Wonderbra and low-cut top could show off her assets to perfection. Well, if Vanessa wanted to talk¼

Tell me, Jane, what do you think of silicone?' Vanessa asked her.

A hush fell on the room. I' m all for it¼' she said. Vanessa grinned triumphantly.

if that' s what this is made of,' said Jane, picking up a bright red bowl.

Of course it isn' t!' said Vanessa, crossly. That' s high quality plastic. Have a sausage roll off my party Susan and you' ll see how essential it is to high class entertaining.'

Jane took the offered sausage roll, took a large bite and nearly broke her tooth. Manfully she swallowed it.

And some wine to wash it down,' said Vanessa. Pass it, Sylvia!'

Watch her, she' s trying to get you drunk,' said Sylvia.

What? So I reveal all my deep, dark secrets?' replied Jane.

No, so you buy loads of Tupperware. You mean you haven' t got any?'

Tupperware? No, I just use my old ice-cream cartons.'

So no deep dark secrets?' No,' smiled Jane. Sorry.' The conversation revolved around the office, and Jane soon grew bored. The last thing she wanted to do was talk about work.

So, she yawned and announced she had to go home to bed.

Next morning, Jane felt awful. She crawled into work and was immediately sick. Vanessa was beside herself.

You know what' s wrong with her, don' t you?' she told the crowd around the coffee machine. Everyone shook their heads.

Well you saw the way her boobs had grown last night¼'

I thought

Jane had far more interesting things to do with her life than go to Tupperware parties

you said they were silicone?' began Sylvia.

She denied it!' Vanessa interrupted, `And no wonder. You don' t need silicone if you' re in a certain condition, do you?'

What?'

She was tired last night, sick this morning, huge boobs Put two and two together, what do you get?' 2002?' muttered Holly.

The only question now is who' s the father,' Vanessa continued. She' s new to the area, doesn' t know many people, so I reckon it' s Clive in stationery.'

Someone giggled. Clive in stationery was always chasing after anything in a skirt.

`Although, on the other hand, it could be Gordon in accounts. His glasses have been looking rather steamed up lately¼ Maybe he' s been neglecting the sales figures to pore over Jane' s instead?'

I don' t think we should be speculating like this about Jane' s love life,' said Sylvia.

My thoughts entirely, Sylvia,' smiled Vanessa. We need to know for sure. So

I' m hosting another party.'

Not more Tupperware!' groaned Holly.

Oh no!' grinned Vanessa. We want the kind of party where all the secrets come out of the woodwork an Ann Summers Party!'

Ann Summers?' asked Sue. Woodwork secrets? Is that teak bowls and coffee tables, then?'

Not quite,' smiled Vanessa.

Vanessa couldn' t wait to issue Jane with her invitation.

I know you' ll be interested in an Ann Summers party,' she said, unless, of course, you' re a prude?'

No¼ Jane began.

The only other reason for not coming is if you' re off sex,' Vanessa said, nudging Fiona. Or maybe if you' ve had too much lately?'

I' ll come,' said Jane, quickly. Anything for a quiet life.

The party was anything but quiet. Jane could hear the giggles from half-way down the street.

Thank goodness you' ve come!' cried Vanessa, as Jane walked in. Have a sausage roll¼'

Er¼'

You aren' t feeling queasy, are you?' asked Vanessa.

No, no,' said Jane, taking one and chewing it.

You' re brave,' Sue whispered. None of us touch her sausage rolls. Not if we want any teeth left!'

Jane left the party even quicker than the Tupperware one. It could have been a fun evening with anyone else but Vanessa! And Jane was feeling distinctly queasy, and the next morning, too.

She didn' t know what was the matter with her these days¼

She called in to see a doctor on the way to work. He took a sample and diagnosed the problem. She arrived late at work and was sick as soon as she got there. As she walked back into their open-plan office, Vanessa rushed up.

Poor Jane, I couldn' t help hear that you were being sick,' she said. Are you feeling better now?'

Er, yes thanks¼'

Can I get you a coffee?'

No, thanks,' said Jane, sinking into her chair.

Are you off coffee, then?' asked Vanessa.

Er, at the moment, yes.' Dear me,' said Vanessa, you' re off coffee, tired, feeling sick in the morning. In my book that means only one thing¼'

Everyone giggled.

Leave it, Vanessa,' said Sylvia.

Well, actually, it does only mean one thing,' said Jane.

I thought so!' grinned Vanessa. Are you going to announce it or shall I?'

We don' t need to tell everyone, really,' said Jane.

Oh no, don' t be shy!' said Vanessa. We have no secrets in this office, Jane. Tell everyone.'

But I just thought¼'

If you don' t tell them, I' ll do it myself!' said Vanessa. Jane sighed. Very well.' Gather round everyone!' Vanessa called, clapping her hands. Jane' s got an announcement to make.'

Jane couldn' t believe it as everyone came scurrying to hear. She turned to Vanessa.

Are you sure I should be telling everyone?' she asked. The news will spread all round the building!'

Absolutely positive!' grinned Vanessa.

OK,' Jane began. The thing is, everyone, I' ve been really ill recently, and that' s because¼ Vanessa' s cooking is so awful, her sausage rolls have given me food poisoning!'