What a parrot

Frank' s wife had caught him out, with help from another bird¼

Frank quickly put down the phone as Barbara walked into the kitchen.

Oh? I thought you' d gone,' said Barbara.

Er, I was just checking the hotel had got the reservation right for the conference.'

Barbara frowned. I thought your firm sorted all that out?'

Yes,' he said. And they usually botch it.'

So did they this time?' What?'

Botch it?'

Oh, er, no.' Frank glanced at his watch. Look! I must go. See you Sunday night! I might be late, don' t wait up. Goodbye!'

Goodbye!' repeated Melvin, their parrot. Goodbye sexy. Goodbye!'

Barbara kissed Frank goodbye. She watched him back the car up the drive. Hey, you didn' t give me a contact number!' she cried, rushing out.

Ring my mobile!' he called.

Barbara shook her head. That was a joke. When did Frank ever have his mobile switched on when he was at a conference? He claimed it interrupted lectures and dinner. But since when did he have dinner at 11 o' clock at night or lectures at eight in the morning?

With a sigh, Barbara walked back in the house and started to tidy up. The whole weekend stretched out in front of her, long and lonely. And then there was a knock at the back door. She was delighted to see it was Jan.

Hello!' cried Barbara, hugging her friend.

Hello!' squawked Melvin. Hello sexy! Hello!'

Jan giggled. What a parrot!' she said. That' s the best greeting I' ve had all week. All year, even. Hello, Melvin!' Hello sexy!' Melvin replied. I don' t know where he gets it from!' laughed Barbara. He said it earlier.'

Copying Frank, I guess,' said Jan.

Barbara shook her head. Hardly! I can' t remember the

last time Frank called me sexy. Pudding, maybe, dumpling¼'

Dumpling!' Melvin repeated.

There you are!' said Barbara. Thanks, Melvin!'

She turned to her friend. Do you want a coffee?'

Great!' said Jan, sitting at the kitchen table. Where' s Frank then? Still in bed?'

No,' said Barbara. He' s off on another of his business trips.'

Again?' Jan cried. That' s where he was last weekend, and last month.'

Don' t I know it !' said Barbara. He' s worked late most nights this month as well. When he comes in, he' s too tired even to eat. You know golf widows? Well I'm a Dawson' s Forced Steel Pipes widow.'

Poor you!' said Jan. Tell you what, why don' t we go shopping? Then we' ll go for a lovely meal tonight.'

Lovely meal tonight!' agreed Melvin.

That' s right, Melvin!' said Jan, standing up and poking her finger through the bars of his cage. `A lovely meal tonight.'

Barbara stared at her parrot. He' s never picked things up the first time he' s heard them before. They always have to be said several times.'

I expect he' s heard Frank praising your cooking,' said Jan.

Barbara laughed. What does Frank say about my cooking, Melvin?' she asked. Burnt sausages?'

Burnt sausages, lumpy gravy!' squawked Melvin. Burnt sausages! Pooh what a smell! Pooh! Pooh!'

There you are!' said Barbara. Frank would rather die than admit anything I cooked tasted reasonable.'

But you' re a good cook!' said Jan. When Harry and I came round, we had a lovely meal.'

Lovely meal!' agreed Melvin. Lovely meal tonight. So stupid! Goodbye, sexy!'

What is he jabbering on about?' asked Barbara. Who are you calling stupid, Melvin?'

So stupid!' said Melvin. Hello sexy! Lovely meal tonight!'

Barbara giggled. He' s gone mad!' she said. Do you think he' s fallen in love with you, Jan?'

Love you, sexy!' said Melvin. Lovely meal. So stupid! She' ll never guess!'

Whether I love you?' said Jan. Oh, I think you' ve given yourself away, you soft bird!' She turned back to Barbara. So, where' s Frank gone this time¼? Barbara?'

Barbara stared at her friend.

Earth to Barbara. Are you receiving?'

Yes, sorry.' Barbara forced her attention back to Jan. What did you say?'

Jan smiled at her. I asked where Frank' s gone this time?'

Scarborough. Or so he claims,' said Barbara, grimly.

Barbara?' asked Jan. Are you all right?'

I' m fine,' smiled Barbara. She got up. You' re right. It would do me good to go shopping. I think I deserve a treat, and Frank can certainly afford it with all the extra hours he reckons he' s been putting in lately. And we' ll have a lovely meal. Just you and me.'

Just you and me!' agreed Melvin. Lovely meal.'

Great!' said Jan. I' ll go and get ready.'

After she' d gone, Barbara picked up the phone, pressed last-number redial and got the number Frank had been talking to as she walked into the kitchen.

Barbara was in an extravagant mood. As they wandered around the shops, Jan was amazed at how much her friend bought.

You' re normally so cautious!' she told her.

Ah well, today you see a brand-new me!' said Barbara. Now then, where shall we go for dinner. Umberto' s?'

Barbara! It costs a fortune!'

My treat,' said Barbara. After all, with all this extra money Frank' s earning, we can afford it!'

The meal was wonderful. They both had just that little bit too much to eat and drink, it was perfect.

The next day, Barbara woke up with a hangover. She prised herself out of bed and went downstairs to make a cup of tea.

Hello sexy!' said Melvin. Far too brightly.

Hello, Melvin,' said Barbara. Turn the volume down a bit!'

After two cups of tea, Barbara felt better. She had a shower and then, finally, felt ready to face the day and all she had to do.

It was very late when Frank got back on Sunday night. He tip-toed into the kitchen and switched on the light.

Hello sexy!' squawked Melvin.

Shh!' Frank told him. He tip-toed into the lounge¼ and stopped, horrified. Everything had gone! Well, not quite everything. The tatty armchair he loved was still there and the carpet and curtains, but the stereo and TV were gone. He went back out to the kitchen. The microwave had disappeared too, and the kettle and toaster.

We' ve been burgled!' he cried. And then he thought of Barbara. He rushed upstairs, but she was gone too. Had she been kidnapped? What was going on? His jackets were out on the bed, someone had been through the pockets, hotel and restaurant receipts were scattered all over the floor¼

He raced back downstairs and picked up the phone, but his fingers were shaking so much he couldn' t dial. He put it back down and sank in a chair.

Hello, sexy!' squawked Melvin. Lovely meal tonight. She' ll never guess. She' s so stupid.'

Frank looked at him. He would know what had happened. It would all have gone on under his beady eye.

Where' s Barbara?' he asked Melvin. What' s happened?'

But Melvin didn' t understand questions. All he could do was repeat what he' d heard over and over. Like the things Barbara had said on the phone that morning as she made numerous calls to her friends and family.

Her words were fresh in his parroty mind. And so he told Frank what was going on, just as earlier he had told Barbara. He looked down on his master.

Getting divorced!' he squawked. Lying cheat. Getting divorced!'