Don’t Mess With The Wife

James was a fool to underestimate Diana…

Humming quietly to herself, Diana opened the kitchen drawer and removed two white envelopes addressed to her husband, then stuck her head around the door of his study.

‘Darling? Your new bank card and PIN have been sitting on the hall table for days,’ she lied. ‘Didn’t you notice them?’

James slammed his laptop shut. He’d been doing that a lot recently.

‘Thanks. Just put them on my desk, will you?’

She dropped them down beside his mobile.

‘I still don’t see how you managed to lose the old one.’

‘I didn’t,’ James said. ‘I told you, it must have been stolen. Now, is there anything else? I’m rather busy.’

‘Yes,’ said Diana. ‘I’m taking a dress to the cleaners and wondered if I should take your grey suit as well?’

‘If you think it needs it,’ he said, making no attempt to hide his impatience.

Diana smiled.

‘OK. And this time I’ll remember to go through your pockets first. I think the last time they found a pile of receipts…’

‘On second thoughts, leave it. I’ll do it myself,’ James said hurriedly.

‘Are you sure, darling? It’s no trouble.’

‘I told you, I’ll do it.’

‘OK,’ she said, kissing the top of his head, at the same time as slipping his phone into her pocket. ‘Remember you have to pack for your trip tomorrow too.’

In the hallway, she bumped into the cleaner who was leaving for the day.

‘Glad I caught you, Crystal. Could you come in tomorrow? Just for a few hours?’

Crystal freed her glorious long blonde hair, which she tied up when working.

‘It’s not my usual day.’ ‘I know. But my husband will be away and it seems

like the perfect chance to give his study a good clean. I’ll pay double, of course.’

Crystal’s eyes lit up.

‘Double? Well, I suppose I could. Just for the morning though.’

‘Lovely,’ Diana said happily. ‘If I’m out when you arrive, I’ll leave the key in the usual place.’

Crystal cast a glance at James’s door as she left. She had her phone in her hand before she was even out of the door.

The phone in Diana’s pocket rang loudly. Glancing quickly over her shoulder in case James should appear, she shot outside and tossed it into the boot of her car.

She was only just in time. When she returned to the house, James was in the hallway.

‘Have you seen my phone?’ ‘Have you lost that too?’ ‘I keep telling you, I haven’t lost anything!’

‘Then I’m sure it will turn up,’ she soothed. ‘While you’re here, why don’t you go and get that suit?

‘Now?’

‘I may as well run my errands before I make dinner.’

Grumbling, he disappeared upstairs.

Diana waited a beat, then ducked into his office.

The new bank card was on his desk. She pocketed it, then fished the scrap of paper with his new PIN out of the wastepaper basket, memorised it and returned it.

She was waiting at the foot of the stairs when

James returned with the suit.

‘Thank you, darling. See you later.’

Diana drove into town and dropped off the cleaning.

Then she went to the bank and used the cash machine to change the PIN on the new card.

When she got home, James was turning the house upside down hunting for his phone.

As he stomped about complaining loudly, it was easy for Diana to return the bank card to where she’d found it.

Later that evening, still fussing over his missing phone, James took himself off to bed.

Diana stayed downstairs watching TV until she was sure he was asleep, then she retrieved his phone from the car.

Creeping into the bedroom, she gently lifted his hand and used his thumb to unlock it. Then she took the phone downstairs.

There were a load of texts and voicemails, all from Crystal saying she wouldn’t be able to meet him at the agreed time and asking if he could pick her up later. Diana deleted them all, then blocked Crystal’s number so she couldn’t call again.

Going into the security settings she changed the phone unlock from a finger print to a password to prevent James from being able to use the phone. Then she kicked it under the sofa. Next she went through James’s wallet to make sure he had picked up the new bank card. He had. She removed most of the cash, returned the wallet to his pocket and went to bed.

The next morning, James rampaged through the house, still searching for his phone.

‘Are you sure you haven’t seen it?’

‘Oh, for heaven’s sake!’ Diana took out her own phone and called his number. The phone rang loudly from under the sofa.

James dived for it. His scowl didn’t disappear as he checked the screen.

‘What is it now?’ asked Diana.

‘I was expecting a message from… er… work.’

‘You can call them from the train,’ Diana said, knowing she had to get him out of the house before Crystal arrived. ‘Come on,

I’ll run you to the station.’ ‘What? No, I’ll drive.’

‘And pay overnight parking charges? Don’t be silly. Plus, if you can’t get parked, you’ll miss your train.’

He couldn’t argue with her logic, and soon she was waving him off as he carried his overnight bag into the station.

Diana parked in a side street and waited. Sure enough, a few minutes later he came out again and jumped into a taxi, all the while jabbing his finger irately at his phone.

Diana followed at a discrete distance until the taxi dropped him off at a luxury, out of town spa.

Then she went shopping.

When she got home, Crystal was just finishing up. Her phone was in her hand and she looked annoyed.

‘Is everything OK?’ Diana asked.

‘Fine,’ Crystal replied, stuffing the phone into her pocket and noticing all Diana’s shopping bags, mainly from upmarket stores. ‘Have you been treating yourself?’

‘No,’ said Diana cheerfully. ‘James has. He’s suggested I travel down and join him tomorrow after his conference so we can have a romantic weekend. Isn’t that wonderful? What about you? Do you have any plans?’

‘I thought I did,’ Crystal muttered.

Diana’s smile widened as she watched the young woman storm off.

It was early evening before the phone call came. Diana was lying on the sofa reading a magazine and eating expensive chocolates.

‘Hello, darling,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Why are you ringing on the landline?’

‘Because my phone isn’t working,’ snapped James. ‘I can’t get into it at all.’

‘That’s odd,’ Diana said, popping a chocolate into her mouth. ‘How’s the meeting?’

‘Um, fine. Look, can I ask you a favour?’ ‘Of course.’ ‘Can you go into my office and check my new PIN

James rampaged through the house, still searching for his phone

number? The bit of paper should be in the bin. The new bank card isn’t working either.’

‘Oh, poor you,’ said Diana. ‘You’re having a day of it, aren’t you?’

‘You have no idea,’ he replied grimly.

Diana waited a few minutes then, without moving from the sofa, she said: ‘It’s not here.’ ‘What?’

‘I suppose Crystal must have emptied the bin.’

‘Crystal was there?’ James said, sounding incredulous. ‘I thought it was her day off?’ Diana laughed.

‘Since when do you know the cleaner’s schedule?’

‘I don’t, I just… Look, my credit cards won’t work either.’

That wasn’t news to

Diana, who had been maxing them out all week.

‘I need you to get me the passwords so I can go online and find out why.’

Diana bit into another chocolate.

‘Why do you need your credit cards? Surely work is picking up your bills for the conference?’

There was silence. Then… ‘I’m not in London,’ James admitted.

‘Of course you are,’ Diana laughed. ‘I dropped you off at the station myself.’

‘I’m sorry,’ James mumbled. ‘I’m in a hotel just out of town. I… I was supposed to meet someone…’

‘Who?’ Diana asked.

There was a longer pause. ‘James?’

He spoke in a rush.

‘I’m sorry, darling. She means nothing to me…’ ‘She?’

Diana let the silence stretch. ‘You promised me this would never happen again.’

‘I’m so sorry, darling. Can we talk about it when I get home?’ he begged. ‘I’m in a real pickle. I have no cash and none of my cards are working. The hotel is getting quite shirty with me. I had to borrow a phone just to call you!’

‘Let me get this straight,’ said Diana slowly. ‘You want me to come to the hotel and bail out you and your mistress?’

‘She didn’t turn up,’ he said sheepishly. ‘And with my phone not working, I can’t find her number to call.’ Diana sighed heavily. ‘What do you need?’

‘My passwords,’ he said quickly. ‘Then I can find out what’s wrong with my cards and hopefully transfer some money.’

‘Where will I find them?’ ‘In my desk.’

Diana had been through that a million times. She rose to her feet.

‘Where exactly?’

‘In a notebook, taped under the drawer.’

In his office she felt under the drawer. Bingo!

‘It’s not here,’ she lied. ‘What? But it has to be! Look again!’

Diana rattled the drawer halfheartedly. ‘I’ve pulled it right out, James. It’s definitely not here.’

James swore. ‘You say Crystal was there today?’ ‘Yes, why?’

Silence.

‘The cleaner, James? Such a cliché.’

‘Can you come and fetch me?’ he pleaded. ‘And bring some money?’

She let him stew for a bit. ‘Yes, but this really is the last time.’

‘Of course, darling. I’ll make it up…’

She hung up.

Don’t Mess With The Wife

‘You want me to come to the hotel and bail out you and your mistress?’

The notebook was the prize Diana was really after — in particular, the combination to the safe written in it.

In there she found cash, but also details of the bank accounts James didn’t know she knew about.

Using the passwords from the notebook, she transferred the money to new accounts she had set up in her own name. Then, just for the hell of it, she changed all the passwords.

She picked up her bags, the ones she’d packed earlier with all her gorgeous new clothes.

Before she left the house, habit made her stop and set the burglar alarm. Sheer wickedness made her change the code.

It would take James a long time to get home when she didn’t turn up to pay his bill. And even longer to get into the house when he got here. Served him right. Humming quietly to herself, Diana set off for the airport — and her new life.