Grandma Wars

plan… Little Susie had a cunning

They were the words no selfrespecting nan wanted to hear, especially a nan like Jackie. They were fighting words — at least she considered them so.

‘You’re not my favourite.’ At first she thought little Susie must be talking to the toy gorilla she’d bought for her from the zoo gift shop earlier.

Sitting in the safety seat that Jackie’s husband had fitted especially for their morning trip, the toy sat in the little girl’s lap.

They’d just traipsed from the penguins to the giraffes to the elephants, and a sore spot throbbed on Jackie’s big toe where her shoes rubbed.

She didn’t enjoy exercise at all. Only, she did believe in the best and widest education a grandma could provide.

‘Would you have preferred the stuffed zebra?’ she asked. ‘Or that little flamingo? He looked cute.’

‘That’s not what I mean. I mean, you’re not my favourite grandma.’

‘That’s not a very nice thing to say,’ she admonished.

The little girl, all wavy hair and big eyes, screwed up her face. ‘Everybody says I have to be honest, so I’m trying my best. You don’t want me to lie, do you?’

‘No, of course not. Lying is awful.’ Jackie’s brow furrowed.

At age six, she assumed Susie was still trying to make sense of the world… Good luck with

that, she was in her 6os and still confused!

‘Why do you prefer Grandma Alice, then?’ she asked, trying to keep the green-eyed monster at bay.

She did only have one granddaughter after all, and nobody liked to trail in last.

Susie considered the matter and it took some concentration and time.

‘She lets me stay up late when I stay over, and she lets me go any place I like on the internet.’

Jackie hummed. ‘I’m afraid Alice doesn’t sound like good granny material at all. Letting you get your own way all the time isn’t a good idea. It doesn’t teach you responsibility. And besides, staying up late will make you cranky.’

With a self-satisfied grin, she started her car.

She did catch Susie’s grimace in the rear-view mirror, but thought nothing of it.

A week later it was Grandma Alice’s turn to take Susie out at the weekend.

She sniffed at her gloves and her coat sleeves as she stood by a picket fence. Fat ponies trooped by, looking bored, unlike the excited little ones perched on their backs.

Each pony was led along by a riding-school assistant or one of the older girls volunteering. Alice loved the outdoors and she loved horses. She certainly loved the way their smell seemed to permeate everything.

‘All right, everybody,’ the woman in charge of the class yelled. ‘Let’s attempt a rising trot. Remember, heels down and try to find the rhythm.’

Most of the little ones jiggled about, not finding the timing of the trot at all when they were supposed to leave their saddles, as if the leather had become unbearably hot under their backsides.

‘That’s very good,’ the woman in charge said as she glanced at her watch. ‘All right, that’s it for this week.’

With the lesson over, it was time to lead the horses in and learn about grooming. Susie’s fat grey stood tethered to a stable door, while Susie attacked its bulbous sides with a brush.

‘I love ponies, Nan,’ she said as she puffed and panted with the effort. ‘Thanks for bringing me here, but you’re still not my favourite.’

Alice blinked, thinking she’d misheard. ‘Not your favourite what?’

‘Nan… You’re not my

She did only have one granddaughter after all, and nobody liked to trail in last