Grandma Wars

favourite Nan.’

‘Oh, that’s a little rude, don’t you think?’

‘I have to be honest, everybody says so. I like Grandma Jackie the best. When I stay over, she lets me eat all the cake I want and all the biscuits. I don’t really like salad.’

Alice’s brow furrowed. She filled her fridge full of lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber. Her house also heaved with fruit.

‘Well, Grandma Jackie sounds very misinformed.’ She shrugged into her coat, trying not to feel envious. ‘Cakes and biscuits will make you fatter than that pony. You’ll get heart disease and high cholesterol when you’re older. It’s very irresponsible to let you eat rubbish. Will Jackie be at your mum’s when I drop you off? I know she likes to visit. I might have a word.’

Susie’s eyes widened as she paused in her work. ‘Oh no, Nan, you shouldn’t do that!’

‘Of course I should. I want to look after you.’

Susie quaked in the passenger seat all the way back to her parents’ house.

Nana Alice sat with her chin thrust forward as she drove. She muttered angrily at the drivers getting on her nerves. She’d promised not to do that. Her hands throttled the steering wheel as if they’d wrapped themselves round Grandma Jackie’s neck.

‘Not far now,’ she said, turning a corner.

As Susie gnawed at her lip, she thought: I didn’t think this would happen when I told them both they weren’t the best.

Jackie considered having a word with her rival grandma important too. That’s why she’d popped in for a visit to her son’s house. She hoped Alice might appear after Susie’s riding lesson. She stood by the net curtains keeping a look out.

‘Oh, it’s Alice,’ she said when she finally saw the woman’s car draw up to the kerb.

Jackie had kept herself very constrained during her son’s wedding arrangements years ago. She’d considered that Alice, as the mother of the bride, would have more input over dresses, cakes and venues.

She’d simply made sure her boy looked handsome and didn’t overdo it on his stag night.

She’d never really tried to make friends with Alice. Chalk and cheese, they’d skirted round each other instead, remaining polite but nothing more.

Now, however, she’d decided it was time to take the gloves off.

She pulled the nets aside to watch Alice walk up the drive, her hand in Susie’s.

The girl looked cute in a red coat and jodhpurs, while Alice wore a fashionable, padded coat — very down with the kids.

When the doorbell rang, Jackie waved her son away. ‘It’s all right, Noah, I’ll get it. You help Lara make tea in

‘I like Grandma Jackie the best. She lets me eat all the cake I want’

the kitchen. I’ll send Susie in — I need a word with Alice.’

The stage set, she answered the door. She didn’t really expect the glower she received from her nemesis.

‘Alice,’ she said coolly. ‘I’m glad you’re here. I need a word.’

‘Really? I need one too. Susie, go and find your mum and dad and tell them what a lovely day you’ve had with me.’

Standing taller than Alice, Jackie squared her shoulders and said: ‘Now then…’

Her voice was tight and tense as she led the woman into the lounge.

Alice, her hands clenched, got her breathing under control. She did yoga on a regular basis. She knew all

about keeping herself in a state of Zen. She could do the Downward-facing Dog and the Tree Pose.

She’d never really taken to Jackie with her liking of knitwear and old-fashioned hairdos, plus her love of stodgy food.

Years ago, during the wedding arrangements,

Alice had avoided discussing much with the woman, in case she shoved her oar in and demanded sausage rolls and nothing vegan on the menu.

Thankfully, Jackie had stayed clear. The wedding, though, was simply a scant moment in time. This was little Susie’s entire future and Jackie couldn’t ruin her health with bad habits.

‘I need a word about cake and biscuits,’ Alice said stridently.

‘Oh I see. Well, I need a word about staying up late and the internet. Do you know how irresponsible you are? She’s six. You can’t let her run riot online. Think of her innocent little mind.’

‘Think of her teeth and her arteries,’ Alice returned, before she frowned.

Jackie frowned too. ‘Hang on a minute…’

In the kitchen, Susie swallowed over and over again.

‘What’s going on?’ her dad whispered to her mum.

They could hear raised voices as they prepared builder’s tea for Jackie and lemon tea for Alice.

Susie tried to stop her lower lip wobbling. Her nans were fighting.

‘Susie do you know what’s upset your grandmas?’ her mother asked.

Susie shook her head precisely the way she did when her teacher caught her out in a big fat fib. ‘No, no, I don’t know anything!’

The raised voices lowered a little as her mum and dad shared worried glances.

They seemed afraid to leave the room to find out the truth.

Then, Nana Jackie appeared with Nana Alice close behind. They both wore annoyed expressions.

‘So, we’re both not your favourites, are we, Susie? How strange,’ Jackie said, as she and Alice loomed over Susie like grandma monoliths. ‘Only, I don’t let you eat whatever you like when you’re with me!’

‘And I don’t let you run riot on the internet at all,’ Alice cut in. ‘And you’re in bed early if you stay over.’

Susie gawped. This wasn’t how Sam Patterson at school had said things would work out. He’d told both his nans they weren’t his favourite too, and one had bought him a big tub of chocolates while the other bought him a brand-new football.

He still told them he preferred one over the other and he still received extraspecial days out and presents galore. He’d never mentioned his nans working out his trick.

Then again, maybe she shouldn’t have trusted him at all. Sam did keep getting her into trouble when they told lies to the teacher. They weren’t even good lies, since the teacher saw through every single one.

Susie considered lying now, only both her nans looked infuriated.

‘It worked for Sam!’ she blurted.

And then she confessed. ‘Well!’ Nana Jackie raised her eyebrows in shock when Susie had finished.

‘Oh my Lord!’ said Nana Alice in disgust. ‘Clearly Sam’s grans are substandard if they still haven’t worked out what he’s been up to.’

‘Yes exactly,’ agreed Nana Jackie. ‘They’re clearly second-rate. We must be the best grandmas because we worked it out.’ She shared a look with Alice and then a big wide grin. ‘Now we need to find a punishment for your little games, Susie.’

‘Yes,’ Alice agreed. ‘We’ll have to think it over. How about lunch meantime, Jackie? We could find a nice pub somewhere?’

‘I’ve heard the White Horse serves a good ploughman’s and some excellent red,’ Jackie suggested. ‘We do need a proper planning meeting. After all, there are a lot of Sams out there in the world, set to make things tricky.’

Susie couldn’t quite keep up. She really didn’t have any idea exactly what her nans were planning or if it was good or bad. She did wonder, though, if Sam would get into trouble and if they’d contact his parents.

She envisaged an army of grandmas then, all marching in time like soldiers off to war.

As her Nana Jackie and Nana Alice smiled at each other like two old friends, Susie’s confusion deepened. She was only six and still making sense of the world.

‘Mum? Dad?’ she wailed. ‘Can I go up to my room now? That’s where you always send me when I’ve been naughty. I need a time-out.’

The world was very complicated. People were very hard to understand, and her head was already hurting.

Susie tried to stop her lower lip wobbling. Her nans were fighting