A whiff of scandal

Sir, Since arriving here some eight years ago I have attempted to keep a low profile and live a life like a bastion of moral rectitude.

There have been a few slips ups like the unfortunate incident involving myself and a bottle of malt whisky at the Highland games a few years ago but that is all in the past now and everyone has forgiven and forgotten except for that Kenny Morrison who keeps reminding me and says there is a video of the whole debacle. Thanks a lot, Kenny.

My life as a paragon of virtue was going swimmingly, well beneath Arran’s critical radar, but now I find myself vilified and my standing besmirched by allegations that I have supplied a substance deemed to be illegal to an individual now cast with me into the abyss of loneliness as deviant miscreants incompatible with fine upstanding Arran society.

Yes, I did supply a generous amount of my famed compost to a gentleman from the West Mayish area of Brodick, and yes, I was aware that this was for the purpose of competing in the legendary Brodick Golf Club sunflower competition.

This gentleman, who shall remain nameless, tri- umphed spectacularly but his fall from grace was propelled by a female family member telling her twin sister where the plant’s sustenance was sourced and, as we all know only too well, if two people know a secret on Arran then everyone knows.

I understand that I am now personna non grata and will never be able to show my face in Brodick Golf Club again and will no longer attract even desultory waves from big men in big motors. Life is cruel.

I can only beg for forgiveness and add that if anyone wants any of my famed compost next year then it’s gonna cost you pal!

Yours, Colin Guthrie, Brodick.