Tensions rising in the North East ...
WATCHING the current world situation, as in Syria or North Korea, I wondered what it would be like if local politics followed world geopolitical patterns? If this became so, I think the people of areas such as Heaton or Alnwick should be a little bit nervous!
Heaton, for instance, is a grand place with its mix of students, young professionals, ordinary decent working folk – as well as the odd hippy or purely belter radgie gadgie for local colour. Moreover, despite the wishes of local estate agents, it isn't, ever has been or ever will be 'lower', ‘outer,' ‘middle' or even 'I can't believe it's not' Jesmond.
There's ney such place. It has its own identity and culture, whilst doing the crucial job of stopping Jesmond and Byker bumping into each other. A sort of demilitarised buffer zone as in between North and South Korea. Although these two fine suburbs are not actually in a state of cold war, I did see a bloke on Chillingham Road with a Kim Jong Un haircut.
Nevertheless, without Heaton's existence, I might turn off Byker High Street after some canny bits of shopping and suddenly find myself being subjected – without warning or desire – to extreme guerrilla crystal healing and having my chakras balanced by a bearded bloke in crocs and socks.
Plucky old Heaton prevents such surreal situations ever happening, thus maintaining the balance of the time space continuum and the existence of life, reality and the universe as we know it.
Another worrying political time bomb is our neighbours up the road becoming independent (no I don't just mean the Jocks) – what if the ancient Saxon kingdom of Northumbria is reinstated at the same time as Scotland breaks away?
It's not a new idea – I distinctly remember a mad hairy bloke on Look North in the 70s, a geography teacher or summat, claiming to be a Saxon Northumbrian called King Rufus or Ethelred (to be fair, every episode of Look North in the 70s featured a mad hairy bloke – they were the bedrock of local telly back then).
If the aforementioned hairy chap is still with us there might be a vacancy for the position he dreamt of. This is because such measures might become necessary if our Scottish cousins want to embrace their historical heritage. Why shouldn't we follow suit? Welcome the independent Saxon kingdom of Northumbria. Men would grow their hair long and carry a sword and shield; the council would be replaced by a lord or 'Thane' who would have the power of life and death over his subjects. Car crime in Chevvington, adultery in Alnwick or burglary in Bedlington; all would be solved the Saxon way – trial by ordeal!
The accused would be led to the court of the Thane where a big cauldron of water or oil has been nicely brought to the boil.
A geet big stone has been placed in the bottom and it's then the job of the accused to simply lift the aforementioned rock out of the boiling liquid with their bare hands. Ouch.
The accused would then have their arms bandaged for a few days; if the wounds had started to heal, they were innocent – if no, things started to get serious!
It may sound extreme, but no one can argue with the facts – records prove there was NO recorded car crime in Saxon England.
So could the day come when we actually see a scrawny wee wassock accused of nicking an Astra, lifting a half brick from a cauldron of boiling Broon ale on the centre circle of St James' Park at half time?
Who knows – chances are it would be a lot more entertaining than what Mr Ashley has been serving up in recent years.