Learning to accept ourselves with some self-compassion
SELF-ACCEPTANCE is an important foundation to positive mental wellbeing. Accepting ourselves, both the qualities we like but also the flaws, mistakes and attributes we don’t like, is not an easy thing to do.
A positive first step on the path to self-acceptance is in recognising the parts of ourselves that we don’t like, identifying the things that our inner critic keeps criticising and finding ways to manage these thoughts and feelings more effectively.
Once we have identified these parts of ourselves we can start to build self-acceptance by recognising that we are separate from our actions and qualities.
It’s natural to judge our own actions and attributes as either good or bad, but when this transforms into rating our whole person as good or bad we can get caught in a downward spiral of depression and low self-esteem.
Having the courage to be imperfect, finding ways to be more compassionate to ourselves and embracing our vulnerability can nurture our self-acceptance and enrich our lives and wellbeing.
Learning to be more accepting of ourselves isn’t easy and takes dedication and practice.
One way we can move towards this goal is through self-compassion – a way of relating to ourselves with warmth and kindness. It is about treating yourself as you would a friend and not listening to harsh judgement from your undermining inner critic. It is recognising that our imperfections are what make us human.
The following exercise in selfcompassion is most effective if practiced regularly over several weeks.
Firstly, notice your inner critic. Reflect on what you say to yourself when you feel bad about something. Notice the content and tone of the words you use. Really get to know how you speak to yourself.
Secondly, make an effort to understand and soften your inner critic.
If your inner critic shouts “You’re useless! You’ll never amount to anything!” try saying in return, “I know you’re worried about me and feel threatened, but you are causing me pain. Let’s try being kinder.”
Finally, keep reframing the observations and judgments made by your inner critic in a friendly and positive way.
You can combine this with a compassionate physical gesture such as placing a hand over your heart.
The more you try this, the more genuine compassion for yourself will follow.
You can find more self-compassion resources at self-compassion.org.
Dr Ellie Milby is a counselling psychologist