Don’t be afraid to talk about death
If you lose a loved one, give your child the chance to talk about it, says Marie Curie’s ANN SCANLON
S A parent, the death of a family member or friend can be one of the hardest things to talk about with your children.
This month Marie Curie has launched a campaign to get people talking about this sensitive topic.
“When a parent, family member – or any special person – receives a terminal diagnosis it can be a very difficult for a child,” says Ann Scanlon, Children and Young Persons Counsellor at Marie Curie.
“Sometimes parents don’t want to give up hope and they fear saying the wrong thing to their kids so say nothing at all.”
Ann recommends that parents talk to their children as soon as physical changes happen to the person who is ill.
“Children will start to piece the puzzle together themselves but without parents’ support there will always be pieces missing which may cause isolation,” she says.
“Begin by asking what they already know. You’ll probably be surprised by what they say. Ask them how much they would like to know as it’s important to give them a voice.”
Ann explains that children can experience anticipatory grief – mourning the loss of someone who is still alive.
She says: “Young people may not talk about the impending death but that doesn’t mean they’re not processing it. Keep the conversation open and give children the opportunity to talk when they are ready.”
Ann says that painting handprints on pillow cases or handkerchiefs can really help with separation anxiety.
By touching a painted handprint, children can keep reminders of their special person on them at all times. Some children also spray the parent or grandparent’s perfume on to their handkerchief too.
Parents often fear using the words “death” and “dying” but children are very black and white and need to know what’s happened in concrete terms. It can be confusing to tell them that someone has “passed away” or “gone to a better place”, so Ann suggests that parents use language that helps children fully understand.
She also says the decision about attending a funeral needs to come from both the parent and child.
“If a child chooses not to attend the funeral, it’s important to explain to them what’s going to happen,” says Ann. She also suggests that parents should arrange an occasion where children can say their own goodbye such as planting a tree and have a mini-ceremony for their kids to say goodbye and have a place to remember their loved one.
Ann says: “When I talk to parents about the difference between adult and child grief, I like to start with rivers and puddles.
“When adults grieve, they are swept away in a fast-flowing river and the current is their grief.
“When children grieve, they jump in and out of puddles. One minute they’re upset and the next appear unaffected.
“If they ask the same question, they’re simply checking the information has remained the same.
“This can be difficult for parents,
especially when dealing with their own grief.”
Ann advises families to build memory books to help children remember. Making something together can open up conversations and provide the opportunity for the whole family to share who that person was to them.
“It’s important to remember that grief has no time frame. I’ve worked with families in the past whose children were very young at the time of the bereavement,” says Ann.
“In some cases, the children won’t come to terms with that missing figure in their life until they get older. Parents can help them remember who that person was and start the conversation with a memory book.”