The Chronicle (South Tyneside and Durham)
Give us wah own Geordie signs...
THIS weekend saw me doing a gig down in north Wales; the place and the people have always had a special place in me heart.
The Geordies and Welsh have much in common – from coal mines to a lilting accent that many love but don’t understand.
I once got mistaken as Welsh when I was in Scotland during a Scotland vs Wales rugby fixture.
Indeed, a rather belligerent jock called me a Welsh **** ! I patiently explained that I was a Geordie.
Thus despite a similar rhythm and long vowel sounds, where the Welsh accent peaks, the Tyneside accent tends to trough.
So in theory, if a Geordie and a Welshman were to shout at each other in laboratory test conditions, there should be silence! (That is possibly the first physics wave theory gag ever to grace the Chronicle.)
Anyway, back to me Welsh adventure.
When you drive into North Wales, it definitely lacks the grandeur and sense of arrival that you get by visiting the south of the county via the majestic Severn Bridge crossing.
The fact you have to pay to get in prompted one comic colleague to ask the bloke in the zoo-keeper’s hat, who stared emotionless from his toll booth “does this mean it’s like Alton Towers?”
The zoo-keeper’s granite expression did not flicker...
Whichever way you choose to enter, you can’t help but notice the bilingual road signs and markings – my Mrs is a big fan of them – but my feelings are mixed. She, quite understandably, sees an ancient culture reasserting itself after centuries of being repressed by various forms of imperialism. I see spellings that make me giggle – especially the modern ones that don’t owe anything to ancient roots. The one that gets me is the Welsh word for microwave – ‘popty ping ‘ – I love it !
Yet howay man , that’s not a word, it’s a sound! Somebody just made that up in mid-eighties at the latest.
The elders of this ancient Celtic tongue tried a lot harder than that boyos; they didn’t call a bow and arrow a ‘ twang – woosh – argh ‘
It’s the lazy linguistic equivalent of Adam Ant of filling out the chorus – fade out of his 1981 chart smash ‘Stand and Deliver’ with the madeup words ‘Fa diddly qah qah, Fah diddly qua qua.’
Nevertheless, I do think we could learn a thing or two from our Welsh cousins. I really think having bilingual signs up here in the North East would be cracking.
How about ‘Ney radgin’ on our more dangerous stretches of road, maybe a sign with the silhouette of a crossed out coat warning ‘divn’t be soft’ in the Bigg Market – applicable 6pm-7am Thursday-sunday. A special exemption sticker would be awarded to students and southerners. It would be applicable to all genders and just say ‘Wassock.’
Police cars could be relabelled ‘Polliss,’ and seats or carriages on public transport could be ‘fytin’ or non-fytin,’ with seats for bairns and auld gadgies near the doors.
Modified signs on the A1m would probably kick in around Scotch Corner ‘Toon fowaty mile,’ with the turn off for Barnard Castle resplendent in enlarged day-glow letters with the instruction ‘Gan Canny’ in case a certain Mr Cummings ventured up to test his vision.