PLEASE TELL ME REASON WE ARE ALWAYS ON HOLD

We’ll be with you in a jingle! So said the website of a certain supermarket as I logged on at 6.30am to secure some Christmas delivery slots. Their momentary jingle involved me being 213,781st in the queue.

Only an hour to wait. Fine. What else do I do at 6.30am? Except getting up. Getting ready for work. Sorting the kids for school. Organising the dogs.

The urge to keep refreshing became too tempting so I stopped screen watching and went for a shower. Naturally my jingle jingled and I had to navigate slot bookings dripping wet.

Yesterday I tried to call our electricity company. I was on hold for over 45 minutes before I was put through to a woman claiming she couldn’t hear me before announcing she was terminating the call.

I can assure you, I have never been accused of not being heard in my entire life.

I received a letter asking me to update some business insurance details. According to said letter, this absolutely could not be done online or via email. They HAD to ask me specific post-covid questions in person.

I can only imagine with so many businesses resiliently evolving to survive lockdown, they are just checking policy renewals are bang up to date. No problem. Except when their hold message just repeatedly informs me I am calling during a period of high demand and they’re too busy to answer the phone.

Finally I needed to check in with the bank. I called the number on the letter THEY sent ME only to be told the number is no longer in service and to use their online ‘chat’ facility to speak to an adviser. The online ‘chat’ facility, their website informed me, was currently not in use.

Apparently they’ve tried to call me even though I’ve told them several times my mobile phone is always on silent. I don’t even know what my ring tone is. Himself knows if he ever needs to contact me in an emergency, he sends a text or calls someone else.

All these frustrating stalls are making me consider writing a ‘stop doing’ list. One which needs to be bigger than my to-do list. Is it any wonder I mutter a lot (with swearing) and clench my teeth? Fortunately I haven’t smoked since the early 2000s or I’d be on 40 a day. Although I’m fairly certain I couldn’t afford to these days even if I wanted to.

All I seem to do is work and sleep but I have no

money and I’m always tired. I’m sensible enough to know smoking won’t help and shall gladly announce my addiction to napping instead. Hi, my name is MJ and I’m a napaholic.

So, where has the workforce disappeared to?

How is it a government agency, large banking group, giant utilities company or substantial insurance company cannot manage their work load or staffing levels? Brexit? Ineptitude? Sheer carelessness regards location of their workforce? Covid?

Maybe it’s just the common cold? There has been a shift in the weather

recently and no matter what time of year it is, if you tell

a Scottish person you have a cold, they’ll tell you there’s one going round.

So maybe they ALL have one. Otherwise, I just don’t get it. As a small business, staffing is one of our greatest challenges. Friends in similar situations state the same, so I know it’s not just us, thankfully. The paranoia that

my hopeless chat or erratic, chaotic manner might be the cause is very real so, although

I hate to think of others also struggling for staff, it does soothe my pathetic ego a little.

I’m sorry I’m so cranky. I blame it on being in my terrible forties. I should be grateful all my time ‘on hold’ allows me to take a guilt-free moment and indulge in some of my favourite pastimes.

A free pass, if you will, because I’m still technically ‘working’. Some time for a little online shopping? Merrily filling up those baskets only to close all the tabs without buying anything.

Hell, I might even just get drunk and put up the

Christmas tree.

How much time do we waste waiting for answers?