Dundonians arise – and stay indoors

CONTINENTAL CAFE culture? In Dundee? What will that be, readers? That’s right: that will be shining bright. Too much bright spring sunshine has gone to the heads of leading anarchists at Dundee City Council, who would turn the centre of the Tayside metropolis into a den of hedonism and indecency like Barcelona, Paris, Venice or Perth.

The word “plaza” strikes fear into decent Scots everywhere, but is tattooed on the minds of Dundee’s sinister planners, who want outdoor restaurants and open-air terraces in City Square.

They point to Perth – the poor man’s Paris – and its alleged “success” at persuading folk to sit doon ootside in the Fairly New City’s bohemian St John’s Square. This isn’t for the likes of us. This is for men who open the top two buttons of their shirts and women who wear gaudy frocks.

It’s for people who like to be “cool”, in the non-meteorological sense.

It’s for poseurs, citizens who like to see and be seen.

Well, we can’t turn a blind eye to this growing menace.

Follow me closely here, and shout out if I lead us up a blind alley: Continental culture is largely based on gawping, whereas Scotland’s culture is expressed in the nation’s motto, nemo me lacessit impune: “Whit are you lookin’at?”

We cannot withstand scrutiny. Not in these trousers.

We’re an introverted and ashamed people, lessened in mental stature by our constitutional role as Scotia Minor.

Thus, our horror at these outdoor cafes: you cannot waddle past them without being gawped at.

If it weren’t for the inverted relationship between gawper and gawpee, it would be reminiscent of strolling past the chimps’ enclosure at the zoo.

I’m sure some of you couldn’t give a monkey’s but, in the good old days, a man could stravaig hither and – with a prevailing wind – yon, across a public square, knowing that the coffee-swilling classes were all safely indoors and out of sight. Now, they’re coming out. Look at them, with their frothy lattuccinos and peculiar cakes. They think they’re where it’s at, wherever that is.

Come on, man up, ladies and gentlemen: sitting in the sun looks louche and slovenly. I didn’t get where I am today by being louche and slovenly.

L&S is for people who like to sprawl and take time over their food, as if life were a picnic.

I wouldn’t be surprised if some of these idlers wear sunglasses. Many will have omitted to bring a raincoat. And don’t get me started on shorts. What’ll it be in the long run? Siestas? Wake up, citizens of Dundee! How will you look when the weather turns foul and the wind blows your cravat up into your face and sends your wig flying across the pullulating plaza?

Eating outside is for farmyard animals. I implore you not to join the sheep. You wouldn’t go to the lavatory outdoors so why drink coffee there?

Don’t heed the bohemian set in Paris and Perth. Dundonians arise — and remain seated indoors.