Ice Dancing Episode 83

It made me feel better to hear that from somebody other than Joe, who said it all the time. “He’s got the chance to come back here for a year. Maybe more than a year. He doesn’t know what to do. I thought we were being very sensible. I thought I could give him up for Sandy’s sake and for his own sake too. I told him that if he went home he could get some perspective on things.”

“And?”

“It doesn’t seem to have worked.” “Then tell him to come back.” “How can I? Besides, there are other things too, Annie. Oh there’s more to it than you know. He’s had his problems.” “So it seems.”

“And I can’t tell you all of it. He had some bad experiences when he was younger. It explains a lot. But it made me wonder if he wasn’t just fixated on me in some way. I wondered if he might come to his senses if he wasn’t seeing so much of me.”

“Which might take a little time after that puck to the head.”

“I feel so guilty about it all.”

“Do you?” She looked at me shrewdly. “Why do you feel guilty, Helen?”

“Well, about Sandy of course. He hasn’t done anything to deserve this. And I’ve betrayed him. I’ve betrayed him in every possible way. It’s unforgivable.”

There was a long pause. And then she said, “So he’s done nothing to deserve it?”

“We’ve had a good marriage. He’s been a good husband and a good provider. Just what my mother wanted for me. I don’t know what to do.”

She stared out of the window. The days were beginning to draw in a little, though the kids – back at school after the summer holidays – would play evening football until darkness fell. I suddenly remembered what she had said a few minutes ago. “Annie?”

“What?”

“If you didn’t know about me and Joe… what did you mean when you said things would get better? That was what you said, wasn’t it?”

She looked into her wine glass, her face scarlet.

“So what were you talking about? What did you think was going on that would get better?”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” she said, vehemently. “What am I supposed to say? It’s Sandy, you silly cow. I’m talking about your husband.”

“What about Sandy?”

And then she really took the wind out of my sails.

“I mean Sandy and this thing he’s been having with Mary.”

I stared at her. I think my mouth actually fell open.

“With Mary?”

“Yes, Helen. With Mary. He finally admitted it to Tim last week. And Tim told me. I’ve been wondering what to do about it ever since. You’re my best friend and I felt as though I was betraying you by not telling you. How could I not tell you? But how could I tell you either?”

“Sandy and Mary?” I echoed foolishly. “Sandy and Mary. Oh, Helen, open your eyes! Are you telling me you never saw it?” “I can’t believe it.”

“If you ask me, I think it’s been going on for years. I remember, ages ago, when we first moved here, somebody said to me that Sandy and Mary had once been an item. When they were both very young. I can’t remember who it was, one of the oldies obviously. Then you came along and he fell for you, hook, line and sinker. But maybe he always carried a wee torch for her.” “No. He wouldn’t. They wouldn’t…” “Helen, it’s the truth. I wouldn’t lie about a thing like this, would I?”

It was a bit like Joe’s puck to the head. The room swayed and righted itself. All sorts of emotions collided in my head – anger, guilt, irritation at my own gullibility, above all a large measure of relief.

“Have another drink,” said Annie, anxiously.

My teeth were chattering with the shock. “Listen to me,” said Annie. “Listen.” “What?”

“Do you care? Do you really care about Sandy and Mary?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to think anymore.”

“Do you know what I’d do if I were in your shoes?”

“What?”

“If I were you, I’d go for it, girl. You asked me what I thought, and now I’m telling you. Think about yourself for once. Do what you want. Move away. Stay here.

Study. Get a job. Whatever. That’s up to you. But do what you want for once in your life. If you want your Joe to be part of all that, go for it. You phone him and tell him to get back over here as soon as he can. You have the whole other half of your life to live. Everyone else will cope.

I didn’t go home that night but I didn’t phone Joe immediately either. I think I had too much residual guilt to do it. You could say that I had got into the habit of it. I stayed with Annie and Tim, and Annie spoke to Sandy on the phone.

The following morning we met at the farmhouse. Annie wanted to come with me, but I wouldn’t let her. Thank God Fiona was away. In retrospect, it was quite funny as well as sad.

There were a number of “pot and kettle” conversations of the “You did this” and “You said that” variety, but the truth was, we were both absolutely and completely in the wrong, which turned out to be something of a relief.

Eventually, we calmed down and stopped hurling gratuitous insults at each other and began the long and messy process of dismantling our marriage.

We were a nine days’ wonder in the village and some people blamed me and Joe, making various wild assumptions, even before the truth came out, and some blamed Sandy and Mary.

Maisie still finds it hard to speak to me when I meet her down in the shop. I can see her choking on the words. All kinds of things happen in the village but she hasn’t quite come to terms with this one yet, perhaps because it was so totally unexpected. Maisie, the fount of all village knowledge, never saw it coming. I think she’s furious with herself as much as with me, mostly because she didn’t get the whole picture before everyone else.

Oh for God’s sake! What am I supposed to say? It’s Sandy, you silly cow. I’m talking about your husband...

More tomorrow.

Ice Dancing by Catherine Czerkawska, Dyrock Publishing, £9.99 and Kindle E-reader from £2.99. For more of her books, including The Posy Ring and A Proper Person To Be Detained, see saraband.net