Give this Government 25.4 millimetres and they’re likely to take a metric mile

Ihave a question. Were you distracted from enjoying this weekend’s Jubilee jamboree – assuming you threw yourself into the celebrations in whatever shape or form came up your humph – by the announcement that imperial measures are to be brought back?

Jumping up and down with glee were you? Didn’t give a toss? Tick as applicable. As Sherlock Holmes might have said: “The game’s afoot!” Or the metric equivalent.

No, I thought not. And, more importantly, has this triumphal trumpeting of yet another return to the good old days kept you from the odd dark thought about Partygate?

From recognising the general acceptance that the prime minister is now permanently clad in fiery pants while his jacket remains on a shaky hook?

And, perhaps most importantly of all in terms of democratic accountability, has it blanked forever from your tortured mind the prime minister’s sleekit decision to move the ethical goalposts around the increasingly elastic interpretation of the ministerial code so that he can cling on to his job with confidence and without a confidence vote?

Nope, me neither.

I actually can’t see why he’s bothering to say anything even vaguely official about changing what remains of these tattered requirements on discipline – he long ago over-ruled his former ethics chief, Sir Alex Allan, in favour of retaining the services of Priti Patel when she was found guilty of bullying and breaching said ministerial code.

Allan resigned, Patel didn’t which tells you everything you need to know about the current climate in Westminster.

Strange that the home secretary came out so firmly in the PM’s corner and told those pesky little people in her party still in possession of some kind of vestigial conscience not to “overshadow the Jubilee” with awkward questions about truth, integrity and doing the right thing. How very unpatriotic of them…

Especially given that her beloved boss is demonstrating an equally cavalier attitude to the current hapless holder of the ethics gig, the officially titled Independent Adviser on Ministers’ interests, Lord Geidt.

Not that the latter should be surprised by any of this. Mr Johnson managed to lie straight-faced to His Lordship’s previous employer – Her Majesty, the Queen, no less – so obviously has no qualms about economy with the actualite where lesser folk are concerned.

Their relationship reminds me somehow of my relationship with my dog. One word from me and he does what the hell he likes. Perhaps it is no coincidence that one code name for the present incumbent of No 10 is Big Dog. Although I suspect that giving this Big Dog a bad name isn’t going to lead to him hanging up his prime ministerial trappings any time soon.

Any road up, to get back to the imperial stormtroopery bit, I can’t say it’s distracted me at all but it has diverted me no end.

I don’t know about you but it would take more than a return to pounds, ounces and, for all I know, groats, farthings, furlongs and scruples (OK, Boris, I know you don’t know what they are), to make me forget the continuing fall-out from the general political behaviour of recent years, months and days.

After all, give them 25.4 millimetres and they’ll take a metric mile (1,500 metres to you and me). And yes, I had to look at least part of that up…

One could make the mistake of thinking, perhaps, that any mention of imperial measures might just as easily refer to the neo-colonialist actions taken by the British Government re those seeking asylum and safety within these shores. Or even encapsulate the high-handed, lookingdown-on-the-plebs attitude of Jacob ReesMogg in dealing with those civil servants and other office workers who reckon that working from home is a jolly good idea.

Talk about finding yourself something to do to look busy? Interesting for a man whose job description is so wide and so lacking in any realistic definition that it appears similar to Gilbert & Sullivan’s Pooh-Bah in The Mikado, the Lord High Everything Else.

Only in his case, it is much more like the Lord High Nothing Very Much Actually.

Let’s face it, imperial and metric stuff has co-existed quite comfortably for decades, even if certain sweet, oldfashioned things among us still ponder what a pound of mince weighs in old money.

Metric came in in 1965, for goodness’ sake. It may not have quite the longevity of Her Maj but it’s well on the way to celebrating its Diamond Jubilee as part of our national life. Get yer bunting out for that, I say.

More like the Lord High Nothing Very Much Actually

So, another triumph for dogma over practical measures that work perfectly well if left alone. And of course, it’s always amusing to note that those who perpetrate this kind of thing also tend to be the ones who bang on about life being full of whatever it is they don’t like “gone mad” and perpetually ask: “Whatever happened to common sense?”

Does this matter to the prime minister? I fear not.

Whether you count in imperial or metric, by any measure he’s short-changing us all.

WEIGHT FOR IT: Imperial and metric measures have co-existed quite comfortably for decades since the latter arrived in 1965.