PATIENCE TESTED IN THE WAIT FOR BAIRN’S RESULTS

In amongst all the actual news, ITV2 announced they are considering a reboot of Big Brother next year, no doubt off the back of the dreadful Love Island success. Have I ever watched Love Island? Once. It was appalling. Car -crash television, and yet I know of several grown-up, educated, intelligent people who were all sucked into the cringeworthy spectacle.

Admittedly, I have enough inane nonsense in my life without adding to it during my screen time and when you’re blessed with an ability to attract people who smell of drama and headaches without even trying, you don’t go seeking out more.

So, will I be tuning into Big Brother again? I was an avid, original, fan way back when “Nasty Nick” and his cronies didn’t have so much as paper and a pen to pass notes to each other.

Will seeing Davina evict some fame-hungry sad soul every Friday night fill me with joy? No, however it probably will bring back my ludicrous penchant for some inside voice narration.

Considering how much I love to talk, it’s a well-known fact – you’d probably be amazed to know – I also have a tendency to over-think what’s going on around me at any one time. It used to be narrated in my head in a Big Brother or Come Dine with Me Style. It then moved on to social media status quips “what’s on your mind”?

I’ll tell you what’s on my mind – I’m sitting in my pyjamas, desperately trying not to rush into middle kid’s bedroom and demand she opens her text from the SQA announcing her exam results. How is she even still sleeping?

But my Big Brotheresque internal narration was possibly the worst as I sauntered round muttering things like “day 6,793 of MJ trying to be a parent and she’s still trying to figure it all out”. When really it should be 16,898 days in the world of MJ and she still has no clue what’s going on.

However, I blatantly refuse to regress to early ’00s MJ who talks about herself in the third person. We have enough to worry about regards her mental stability without her starting that again. I am, surprisingly, showing a modicum of restraint regards these exam results. Patience never having been a strong point of mine.

It’s her first time waiting on results, anticipating the “ping” on her phone. It’s certainly not her first round of lying sleeping with me staring at her willing her to waken up – I may have some previous for that.

We haven’t had the luxury of time off together as a family this summer, it’s nearly time for them to go back to school and the list of all the fun, crazy, spontaneous things we’ve done so far these holidays? Work. We’ve worked.

We’ve also been trying to distract her from the long wait and looming date by keeping her busy. A trip to the V&A, some ice lattes and donuts. Many long beach dog walks, an outstanding Sails, Tales & Whales tour with the effervescent DD Tours. A hurl to the Pittenweem Arts Festival, more ice cream and too many card games to mention.

I’m consoling myself by recalling we don’t technically go on “holiday” with the kids, we just clean up after them somewhere new. What we actually, desperately need, is a break from the family to remind us we love them and do, in fact, want to continue living here.

I’ve never really understood parents who go away for the weekend and protest over how much they’ve missed their kids. My kids take a solid 10 days to

notice we’re missing and we need the same before we’ve missed anyone. However, for now, day tripping and late night card games it is.

This morning, I’m forcing restraint by indulging in an online career quiz. So far, the results announce my best fits to be either a driving instructor OR a teacher.

My lack of patience and attention to detail should eliminate me from these choices immediately.

Unfortunately citing my competencies as fluent in Disney lyrics and identifying the brand of chocolate by smell alone, hasn’t had the headhunters calling.

Oh, OH, it’s pinged! She’s passed! And naturally, gone straight back to sleep!

The family enjoys a visit to the lovely City of Discovery.