Drama over as mallard cracks on with her ducklings

Lucy Penman

Breaking news: Duckwatch is over and the mission has been successful. As my regular readers will tell you, Duckwatch has been going on over several weeks in my sister’s garden. I have been providing vital telephone support since a rather large mallard unexpectedly took up residence on a wall in my sister’s Englandshire garden. It then emerged she was sitting on 11 eggs. The duck, not my sister.

Last week, my sister returned from work to find the ducklings had hatched.

Luckily, my Attenboroughesque advice had been heeded and a soft landing, as well as a makeshift ladder, had been provided for the ducklings to get off the wall.

In the event, they did so the next morning, when no-one was around to see them. My brother-in-law – who had been forbidden from sleeping through the night for many weeks on account of having to be on constant watch in case of predators – caught sight of the ducklings trooping to the bottom of the garden behind their mother NEVER TO RETURN.

It emerged later that my poor, sleep-deprived sister had hatched (geddit?) a plan whereby she would take one of the wee ducklings to work in her handbag “just so I could reach in and have a lovely stroke when things get stressful”.

Please feel free to insert your own quackers joke here.

I can’t be bothered, frankly, after all these weeks of poor egg puns.

As I am now practically a farmer, thanks to dispensing words of wisdom before the ducklings’ arrival, I decided to venture into the sunny garden at Penman Towers at the weekend, while Mr P was “potting up”.

I sat with a large G&T, offering moral support, then realised why Mr P is always quite keen to put plants in pots – he gets to smash things. Specifically, cracked teracotta plant pots. He smashes them then puts the cracked bits at the bottom of other pots “for drainage”.

It looked quite fun, but then it was not my first gin. I am now contemplating going the full Felicity Kendall and purchasing dungarees and wellies.

“Now contemplating going full Felicity Kendall in dungarees