The Courier & Advertiser (Perth and Perthshire Edition)
Rail firm spending a penny
Well, after all the alarms, excursions and sheer pigging chaos to which we have been subjected in the past week, I feel most strongly that we need to talk about toilets.
Let’s face it, with the ordure striking the air conditioning all around and the fall-out (if one can put it that way) still trickling down rather more quickly than a wealth creator’s wealth on to the rest of us, it’s time to acknowledge that taking a leak needn’t mean splashing out.
For rail travellers in the north of England at least, who are currently celebrating the glad tidings that as of December 17 – yes, Monday coming, bet you can’t wait (if I can put it that way) – passengers will no longer have to pay to use the loos at three of the busiest stations in the region. It’s grim oop north? Not, it would seem, for those for whom spending a penny has recently come to mean forking out 30 or 40 pence (I hesitate to say 30 or 40 pee) to use the public facilities. Relief work has never been so pertinent.
Those finding themselves rocking up to Leeds, Manchester Piccadilly and Liverpool Lime Street will find their cludgies, like the NHS, free at the point of use.
Passing swiftly on, as I am sure most people will, Network Rail, the public sector company which owns the stations, is touting this measure as the first improvement passengers will see as the result of a £15 million package of benefits for beleaguered train users, who have, in recent times, hardly had a moment when they haven’t been facing strikes, new timetable introductions and the resulting disruption caused.
And let’s face it, on the Tesco principle (“Every little helps!”), people can now start saving up their 30 and 40 pees – forgive me – so that they can put the money towards paying the 3.1% ticket increase due to come in in January; or perhaps the more civicminded will contribute it to any fund set up to pay salaries so that we can continue to have guards on trains.
As visions recede of those scrabbling to amass the right amount of change, causing queues, tailbacks and desperation among the travelling public, at least there will be no more “unacceptable disruption” in this part of the operation.
Although it is perhaps taking the notion of going off the rails a little too far for those who are praying to travel hopefully and arrive over the festive season. And at least it means that you can feel free to go before you go, if you see what I mean, given that I assume the rule still exists that one is not allowed to use the ablutions while the train is stationary. It reminds me of the old ditty, sung to the tune of Dvorak’s Humoresque, whose opening line goes something like: “Gentlemen will please refrain from passing water on the train...”
Given recent concerns about ScotRail, here’s hoping this move is extended north of the border although this may well lead to political confusion yet again. It begs the question whether taking the wotsit is a devolved or reserved matter. Perhaps we all need a motion of no confidence…
P.S. How apt, with all this emphasis on transportation, that this was also the week that a German confectionery firm put the wonky into Willie Wonka when a tonne of melting chocolate made a bid for freedom from a factory in Westonnen, a suburb of the German town of Werl. It swiftly coated the pavement and street outside, hardening as it hit the cold surface.
It took 25 firemen using hot water, shovels and torches to shift the stuff, a situation only too familiar to those of us who have ever tried to knock seven bells out of a piece of Kendal mint cake.
The sweetie company’s ever-cheery owner, the aptly-named Markus Luckey (for some), reckoned that it could have been much worse if it had happened closer to Christmas, which is definitely a case of accentuating the positive. Me, I just thank goodness that it didn’t happen near a British railway track. It would undoubtedly have been the wrong kind of chocolate on the line...
Political parallels
Don’t tell me there’s nothing in conspiracy theories. A supposedly state-of-the art robot on display at a Russian youth forum dedicated to cutting-edge technology has turned out to be an actor in costume. It has to be said that the makers were not attempting to pass it off as the latest in advanced androidery but when it comes to capturing the zeitgeist on this side of the Urals, this is a belter.
Political parallels? This tale is awash with them. Taking my cue from the inspired description (not mine) of David Cameron looking like C3PO made out of ham, I discovered that this Russian droid caught the attention of eagle-eyed observers who reckoned that it made “unnecessary movements while dancing.” You’ll never see it and Theresa May in the same room, obviously.
And its name is Boris. Completely unbelievable, of course. Now, if it had been Jacob/Dominic...
People can now start saving up their 30 and 40 pees...