FLOUR POWER MURRAY CHALMERS

The first challenge last night involved using cultured dairy products – the wisest bakers staying furlongs away from the horsey harshness of Sandi and Rosie’s voices lest they act as extra curdling agents with the milk.

Things soon soured anyway, most tragically with Michael’s Cheesecake Surprise which he confessed he had tried to make work 10 times, binning all but one – a lesson which could have saved Theresa May a lot of unnecessary flights to Brussels.

“Our” Michael ended up crying but, conjuring up every philosophical fibre in his body, he pronounced “sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It’s just a cake” before summoning the spirit of Virginia Woolf and asking if he could jump in the river.

In the technical challenge, Paul’s joy at finally being able to say the words “soggy bottom” was palpable. Meanwhile Michael’s existential crisis continued with him announcing that he had to “accept things for what they are” while genuinely looking like he’d just fallen off the top of Scone Palace. Priya discovered lentils where no lentils should ever be – in one’s soggy pastry – while Paul walked off in disgust at the sight of the finished maids of honour, possibly a first for him.

The final showstopper round was quite rarified, with an entire nation googling the words “mishti” and “khoya”. Henry found “a bit of Burnage”, possibly the closest he’s ever come to the working class and Oasis, despite much macho talk of his firm balls. Phil’s garden rubble put him in trouble and he was sent home while lovely Steph was the deserved star baker. Onwards!