Martin Johnson
BT’s Ashes coverage may be good, but who’s watching it?
You can always tell when an Ashes series is taking place in Australia by the number of cauliflower ears parading down the High Street. Some of them will belong, especially if it’s a burly looking chap with a size 22 neck, to rugby prop forwards, but most will be the result of spending entire nights with one ear permanently attached to a transistor radio buried beneath the pillow.
It goes back decades, to the days when Marconi’s invention hadn’t progressed much beyond the crackle from a crystal set, and when marriages were severely tested by those 2am verbal exchanges. “For heaven’s sake, turn that thing off.” “But darling, Larwood’s just coming in to bowl at Bradman.” “Right, that’s it. I’m off to the spare room.”
However, since Sky covered the first ever England series abroad, the Ashes has been live on the telly as well as the radio, and for many, the 5am pad downstairs to the living room to catch the last session on the box has become a regular event.
Except that most people won’t actually see a single live delivery from this current Ashes series, for the simple reason that the cricket is only available on a channel which hardly anyone gets. Let’s face it, you’ve more chance of bumping into someone who subscribes to Birdwatch Magazine, or the Angling Times, than BT Sport.
The fact that no-one will be watching, of course, has rarely bothered the pinstripes at ECB headquarters, who consistently demonstrate their ability to grasp the price of everything and the value of nothing.
When others say: “Owzat?” the ECB says: “Owmuch?” whether it be taking England off terrestrial TV straight after an Ashes series – in 2005 – which gripped even those who’d never previously followed the game, or being hoodwinked by a loud Texan with a ten gallon hat, a Basil Fawlty moustache, and a business ethic roughly based around Del Boy or Arthur Daley.
So when BT popped their head around the ECB’s door in 2015 and said: “How about £80m for the next Ashes series in Australia?” the signature was on the contract before anyone could ask whether those watching it could all be accommodated on a single lounge sofa.
It’s all about money, which is why T20 now dominates the domestic landscape, why it would be a surprise if the amount of ECB office space allocated to County Championship matters stretched much beyond a broom cupboard, and why the current Ashes series has the viewing figures of a repeat episode of Skippy The Bush Kangaroo.
For most, therefore, it’s back to the old radio routine, and Test Match Special. You can’t see the pictures of course, but in many ways painting them yourself is even more immersive. One example from Brisbane being Moeen Ali’s stumping referral.
By the time the TMO had made up his mind, you’d been through the emotional ringer about a dozen times. “Moeen doesn’t look too worried”.... “oh, I’m not sure”.... “is there something behind the line?”..... “maybe from this angle”.... “I think he may be struggling”..... “it’s a fifty-fifty call for me....”
Half the listeners would have been off to the bathroom to rummage round for the dyspepsia tablets, although not quite as often, judging from the social media comments, as they currently are when Geoffrey Boycott is on air.
It may be the shy and understated way he delivers his judgments, and how, when his fellow commentators promote an opinion, Geoffrey politely, and no doubt reluctantly, feels obliged to make it clear that they are merely parroting his already-dispensed pearls of wisdom.
Ergo, when someone said: “Three more wickets tonight would make it interesting,” Boycs responded with “that’s what I said at tea time.” Then when someone else said: “When Cook hit it he must have had his heart in his mouth,” Boycs responded with: “Hmm. As soon as he hit eet, I said, ‘out’.”
When someone made a comment about Australian cricket-watchers, Boycs said, with his customary modesty: “I love ’em. And they like me.” And when Jonathan Agnew,
discussing England’s propensity for playing careless shots said that a Barmy Army supporter had come up to him and said: “We need to send for Tavare,” Boycott quickly poo-pooed the idea. “Don’t send for Tavare,” he said. “Send for me.” There’s no escape either, as no sooner has Geoffrey told TMS listeners that even at his age he could play old so-and-so with a stick of rhubarb, than he’s off to the BT Sport studio to inform the viewers – or viewer – that even at his age he could play old so-and-so with the same stick of rhubarb. As ever with Boycs, it’s not so much what he says – which is often spot on – but the way he says it. One thing about England is that it really doesn’t matter if you’re up half the night watching the cricket this winter, or listening to it. You’re odds on to nod off at some point, and when it comes to England this invariably means nodding off just when they’re just about to give those Australians a bloody nose, and waking up to find that they’re now on course for a good hiding. It’s probably worse on the radio, though. There you are, lying in the darkness with the boys in the studio forecasting that England ought to be leading by 60 or 70 on first innings and, all of a sudden, the birds are twittering outside the window, and a voice from under the pillow is saying: “And that’s England two wickets down in their second innings, and still trailing by nine.” With England, the time to worry is all the time, but the time to really panic is when they’re in a strong position. Therefore, given the fact that more people are currently following this Ashes series via the radio than the television, a couple of handy tips may be in order for Adelaide and beyond. Firstly, remind the person sleeping next to you to insert a pair of earplugs to protect against involuntary outbursts of bad language and, secondly, remember to leave the window open in order to allow the bedside radio unimpeded passage down to the flower bed below.
If fellow commentators promote an opinion, Geoffrey feels obliged to make it clear they are merely parroting his pearls of wisdom