Ifs and butts of Ben and Jonny are keeping us in the pink ...
Adam Collins and Geoff Lemon, our two Aussie journos, fly into Adelaide for the second Test trying to digest the startling events of the past few days... but not the peanuts at $9 a throw
Adam Collins: Heathrow, do you copy? This is the (delayed) flight TT313 from Brisbane to Adelaide. I’ve done many things at 30,000 feet, but writing a column alongside you is a new one. Geoff Lemon: A new experience, too, being delayed by an hour while they weigh every single carry-on bag and slug everyone who’s 100 grams over. Never crammed so much gear in my pockets in my life. On columns, there are lots of good ones in Adelaide. Sandstone, mainly, in the august old buildings that line that historic city. AC: It’s where Ben Stokes made his Test debut four years ago. Then he rocked up to the airport with his full kit on Tuesday. I dared to dream, as did the entire internet, until it became clear he was off to New Zealand instead. I can’t explain it on partisan or rational grounds, but I do want to see the big madman here. GL: Couldn’t disagree more. While it brings me a deep shame to be serious in this column, England’s management would be weak if they do. The legalities aren’t resolved, but it would be a shocker of a look for a team that has had its fill of bad looks. Doesn’t mean it won’t happen, though. It’s deeply suss that he’s just checking out the Christchurch scenery. It makes you guess they’re preparing to zip him over here if they get the all-clear, which seems unlikely. AC: Don’t bring logic into this, I’m barracking for the story. I doubt this is the last time we’ll be talking about Stokes in this space. The only thing cheekier than popping him into the Kiwi comp this week would have been to get him a game in Perth grade cricket next weekend. I might be giving them ideas. Speaking of, how about Ideas Man Jonny Bairstow? I’ve heard of the Liverpool Kiss, but usually with a view to ending a night on the tiles, not starting one. What a joyous little circus that was. GL: The acronym is RECT. Redhead Englishmen Cause Trouble. It wasn’t good initially, another potential tale of drunk stupidity. Andrew Strauss must be tearing his … oh. But luckily this story devolved into laughs. The man behind the stumps just likes to go around and get friendly by way of a bonce-to-bonce whack. A two-way forehead massage. Various buffalo and bison do this, the headbutt as communication. It’s quite friendly and well meant. My dog does too, usually in the back of people’s knees so they fall over. To quote Cameron Bancroft: “Jonny Bairstow just says hello differently from most people.” AC: Whatever his intention, he picked the wrong noggin. Bancroft informed us that he has the heaviest head in the Western Australia dressing room. They’ve measured it. The charts are in. I’m still filthy that I didn’t put my hand up to ask how the calculations are done. What’s certain is that we have a player whose temperament suits the broader rigours of international cricket. That’s not for nothing, stepping in front of television cameras and smashing out a monologue Seinfeld would be proud of. More, please. But on the field, the degree of difficulty in his day job might go up a fraction in Adelaide compared to the Gabba. GL: Maybe Cameron can explain to me what the deal is with these packets of aeroplane peanuts? I didn’t even get any because they’re like $9. It’s telling that his interview, his unbeaten 80, all came on debut. Not the hardest fourth innings he’ll ever face, but had England nabbed a couple early, the game could still have been on. But, yes, it’s bound to get harder. We’ve seen how fraught things can get under lights with the pink ball. AC: Jimmy and Stuey won’t have it any better than this, with Australian pitches more lifeless by the summer. The ground staff would be crazy to veer from the grassy strips that have dished up two excellent Tests since Adelaide went pink two summers ago. I worked out the other day that there have been six pink-ball Tests now, and I’ve been to FIVE OF THEM. Surely no other human on the planet can make that hapless claim? GL: Can’t believe you missed Azhar’s triple in the Emirates. Lack of
I’ve heard of the Liverpool Kiss, but usually with a view to ending a night on the tiles, not starting one
commitment. I reckon someone like that ubiquitous commentator Alan Wilkins would have been at all of them. Even if not working. Just hiding in the Sydney crowd behind a newspaper, wearing a fake moustache. “No, my name is… Helen… Wilson.” The thing about Adelaide is, if there’s grass, Jimmy and Draco will use the top third of the wicket, but the Australians by their own word will keep bashing it in halfway down. AC: Oh, the bouncer war you speak of? When I think of Bouncer Wars what I want is Joe Mangle racing the various Neighbours greyhounds from over the years. But you know, fast bowlers will be fast bowlers. Unless Pat Cummins has a rest. Obviously he’s vital, but in the interests of longevity maybe Sayers will be the first Chadd to play Test cricket? As Dan Norcross said on TMS this week, he surely has a twin called Brad. GL: I think that you’ll find that’s Bradd. And that Bouncer Wars should be the security staff from two terrible hotels taking each other on. Conservatism may say they should rest Cummins, but it would be a super tough call, having waited six years to be fit for his first home Test, to have him sit one out a week later. AC: Mitch Starc sent a very unsubtle hint that the same bowling attack should be retained, anyway. They don’t want to make him mad. GL: Anyway, landing procedures initiated. Please shut down laptops and other devices. It’s 35 degrees in Adelaide. In Brisbane it was belting rain all day, after having rained for a month before the Test.
Sorry, England, better luck next time. She’ll be all right on the day-night.