Romeo Coates

Old Romeo’s Almanac

What might the year 2020 hold in store? Looking into my crystal ball — inherited long ago from a woman of noted powers in Leigh-on-Sea — the fog clears to predict the following:

+ Desperate to end claims of hypocrisy after years of luxury flights to Hollywood, actress and environmental “activist” Dame Emma Thompson announces she’s been inspired by the example of Greta Thunberg and will from now on sail to America. Dramatically rescued when her recently-purchased solar-powered catamaran runs into technical difficulties 40 minutes out of Southampton, Thompson is later caught by the paparazzi downing bubbly in the first-class lounge at Heathrow.

+ John Bercow — The Musical closes early after being critically savaged. Not even the “courageous” casting of Elaine Paige, rolling back the years as Sally Bercow, can save this one. + Angry northern star Christopher Eccleston rides south with Salford henchmen, ruthlessly hunting down “posh Oxbridge types” daring to tread the boards. Sinister rumours emerge of burnings at the stake near Guildford.

+ Posing for her latest glamorous photo-shoot, Dame Helen Mirren again speaks at length about how she “tires” of discussing her good looks.

+ A nation reels in shock when Gyles Brandreth doesn’t attend a showbiz memorial service and fails to describe the deceased star as a “dear friend”.

+ Fresh evidence emerges suggesting Shakespeare was indeed an adulterous, sexist property magnate from the Midlands, once guilty of a “#MeToo moment” in an Oxfordshire tavern while travelling back to Stratford-upon-Avon. Calls quickly mount at Warwick University for a boycott of the Bard’s works, while leading actresses of the day cast doubt on ever working with him again.