Cabinet of curiosities
Why did we not see all this earlier? Fools! We move to the subterranean banya, hotter than hell, where the secretaries mercilessly chastise us with birch veniki.
Of course! — we should have sold our entire infrastructure to foreign serf-states as George did, outsourced the education system to Taliban and Boko Haram, banged out the whole of Londongrad’s choicest real-estate cheap to — oh, ha ha ha! (Nonetheless, we do promise to respect Her Majesty’s life tenancy of Buckingham Palace).
And SIS has certainly got the jump on us, with Moore hanging in his office a portrait of — but no, let us spare his blushes: “a foreigner who chose for moral reasons to turn against his own country and spy for Britain”. We discuss how to reciprocate this lovely if misguided (the chap was ours all along, ça va sans dire) gesture.
Who has undermined Britain to our greatest advantage? We go through the list. In the end we decide on a picture of the entire UK Cabinet, fixing beneath it that marvellous quote from the boss of MI5: a heartfelt citation for “Deliberate, targeted, malign activity intended to undermine free, open and democratic societies”.
One joy for the epicure student of English sport is found in locating the precise moment the lack of two brain cells becomes apparent, with diverting consequences. Latest paragons are London club
Wasps, who thought to gain an unfair advantage over upcoming rivals Exeter by denouncing the West Country club’s supporters to the Race Hate Unit for their fans’ amusing habit of wearing Red Indian headdresses.
Imagine the scene, as some lunk named Ollie came up with the ruse at a strategy meeting involving charging repeatedly into a brick wall. Picture the ribaldry and merriment! Alas — within minutes a furious storm arose among actual wasps, complaining bitterly about this appropriation of their identity by these lumbering oaves in hooped shirts. “More like fat bastard bumblebees, if you ask me,” said one irate vespid.
I wonder how it will end? It seems very unwise to make enemies of these pungent guided missiles. Incidentally, Exeter’s braves whupped Wasps’ stripy arses with their rather fetching embroidered moccasins.